TMD
by Ninkita
Summary: "Ten inches and a missed opportunity," Alice mourned. "Never again. I'm never going to agree to date someone I meet at work. It's a disaster."
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: It's Chrissie's Birthday (purpleC305 to all ye fanfic readers), and I'm celebrating by writing this piece of ridiculousness! Enjoy, and wherever you are, dear readers, let's all enjoy a piece of cake or something yum.**

 **1.**

"It's a shame."

"You're telling me."

"Maybe he wasn't so bad."

"Seriously?"

"Maybe he has layers? Like an onion? Dickhead and asstard on the outside, but on the inside…"

"More dickhead and asstard, with a side of douche-canoe."

Bella stifled a giggle. "Come on, Alice. Give the guy a chance."

"Not even! It was the worst date ever, Bella. The worst. That time you went out with that guy who reeked? What was his name? Anyway, this was worse. _That_ man might have been decent if he'd bathed. _This_ guy? His entire personality reeks. I don't even know why I agreed to go out with him in the first place."

Bella raised her hand. Alice waved her on.

"He has a dick to beat all dicks."

Alice sighed. "I did say that, didn't I? Damn it. I didn't even get to try it out. Instead, he turned out to _be_ a dick to beat all dicks, and I ran out of the damned restaurant."

"It's a shame," Bella repeated.

"Ten inches and a missed opportunity," Alice mourned, downing the rest of the coffee in her to-go cup. "Never again. I'm never going to agree to date someone I meet at work. It's a disaster."

"Amen," echoed Bella, quickly gulping down the contents of her mug. If she looked a little guilty, it wasn't something her agitated friend noticed.

"We need to find men, Bella… real men. The kind who aren't defined by the size of their dicks."

Bella frowned. That sounded… "That's impossible, Alice. They are guys. They have dicks. They are defined by it."

"But we don't need to date them because of it. What if, all this time I'm going out with dicks who have huge dicks, but the guy of my dreams is wandering around with an average cock? What if I'm too busy judging his dick to actually recognize that he's my man?" Alice gasped in horror at the thought. "Oh no! What if I've already missed my chance?"

Bella patted her on the back. "I seriously doubt that. If he's meant for you, he'll turn up, and he'll stick around. Otherwise, he's just a …"

"Dick," Alice completed with a giggle.

"That's right," Bella nodded, grabbing her things and walking out of the breakroom. "Hey, what happens if Dickhead decides to come looking for you here?"

"I've actually thought about that," Alice said, leaning against the door as Bella efficiently started restocking her workstation. Towels, fresh sheets, wipes, powder, lotion, tins of wax, sugaring solution… "I'll ask Rose to tell him that I no longer work here. Or if he happens to see me, I'll just pretend to have no recollection of him. Or hey, maybe I'll ask if he was dating my mom, because he looks a bit like one of her guys. That should do it."

"That's just… ridiculous. And convoluted, and mean." Bella shook her head. "I'll think of something better. Shoo now, go to your own station, and you better not steal my waxing strips again!"

"It was just that one time! Oh alright, I swear by the sisterhood of … Bella, what's our sisterhood called?" Alice tapped her chin thoughtfully. "Oh, I know, Bad Luck Biddies, because we have such horrendous luck with men."

"Dickmatized Damsels," suggested Bella.

"I like that one too. Hey, I have an idea," Alice snapped her fingers. "Maybe I _should_ let Rose book him another appointment with me. It will soothe my soul to spend twenty minutes ripping hair off his balls. I won't be gentle."

Bella raised an eyebrow at Alice's manic grin. "No matter how hard you try, honey, ain't no way to be gentle about that."

They dissolved into cackling laughter.

Two hours later, neither was feeling much like laughing.

"God, I hate my job," grumbled Alice. "Ok, not all the time, but days like today? It can go stuff itself."

"Oh yeah? I just had a squealing teenager in there. She insisted on getting her eyebrows waxed, but was crying and screeching in pain before I even touched her face. Fucking drama."

"Bella, perspective, please," said Alice, raising both hands like weighing scales. "Teenage pain-wimp, versus having to wax a hairy ass that decided to pass gas." Her hands see-sawed for a moment, before she snapped her fingers and pretended to throw confetti around. "And we have a winner!"

"Fine, that is gross, but the headache that kid gave me is real. Anyway. You got time for a coffee break? When's your next appointment?"

"Half an hour. You?"

Bella was already power-walking towards the door. "I got fifteen minutes, woman. C'mon, before we get a walk-in."

Unfortunately, that was the exact moment when Rose stuck her head through the beaded curtain leading to the reception area.

"Oh good, you're here! Bella, we have a walk-in. You have five minutes."

"Wha… hey, Alice can do it," Bella exclaimed, turning just in time to see Alice sailing out of the side door of the salon. "No, Rose. No, no, no… I just have fifteen minutes before my next one, please! I need the coffee," she whined.

"Mrs. Cope cancelled, so you're free till two. Just do this guy for me, and I'll bring you some of my own coffee in two minutes."

"From your secret stash?" Bella paused in the act of shrugging off her coat. Rose never let anyone drink her coffee. Her boyfriend had got her a tin of the stuff from Mogadishu or some such place and, from the aroma alone, they knew it was far superior to the stuff they got in the high-priced coffee chain store round the corner.

"Yes! And you know it's the best coffee you will ever taste, B. Now quickly, turn around and get your station ready."

"What does he want done?" Bella hissed at Rose's rapidly retreating back.

"Oh," Rose popped her head back through the jangling beads. "Just a quick case of sugar balls," she sniggered.

Bella groaned. Great. Just great.

It wasn't unusual for guys to come in these days, asking to be waxed. What had begun as a most welcome trend of removing excessive back and chest hair had, in the last few years, grown into a very lucrative bouquet of offerings specifically targeting men—facials, mani-pedis, blemish reducing treatments, and of course, body hair removal.

Usually, the manscaping requests didn't bother Bella one bit. For one, Mike or Eric usually took those. But one drunken weekend in Vegas they realized they were in love with each other; wasting no time, they got married and were currently honeymooning in Napa.

Bella didn't mind picking up the slack. She figured it was her way of giving back to society. She could almost feel the gratitude of hordes of women and men who no longer had to fight their way through a jungle to get a mouthful of their hirsute partners' wieners. Blowjobs everywhere owed her.

But right this moment, with the mother of all headaches already pounding through her head, she was not looking forward to dealing with another pain wimp… and men were notorious pain wimps. They could spend all day flexing their biceps in front of a mirror, but pull out one small hair and you wouldn't believe the way they shrieked.

"Inner Peace," Bella muttered, shutting her eyes and trying to regulate her breathing. "Inner Peace. I am happy. I am healthy. I love my work. I am going to help a person. Peacefully. I will not grit my teeth. I will smile."

"You might want to tone down the scary factor on your smile," Rose's voice startled her. Turning with a hand to her racing heart, Bella glared at her.

" _You_ might want to tone down the ninja when you walk around here! Jeez, I was just about to find my inner peace."

"Here, I have something better," Rose smirked, holding out a cup. She laughed outright as Bella practically inhaled the coffee. "What's up with you, girl? I didn't think you were such a big fan of the stuff."

"I'm not," said Bella, licking her lips and making sure there were no stray drops around her mouth. "But it was another late night, and I'm not going to make it through the day without some sort of pick-me-up. Thanks for this, though."

Rose gave her shoulder a squeeze, and took back the empty mug with a gentle smile. "You'll get through this, Bella. Now go get your station ready, I'll send him through in a minute."

Bella watched with a bemused smile as the gorgeous blonde sashayed through the doorway. Somehow, with that small gesture, those innocuous words, her annoyance melted away.

She took in a deep breath and smiled. She was calm, confident, centered. She had problems, but none of them mattered right this minute. She was going to be ok. She was ready for whatever life threw at her.

Then _he_ walked in.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Hello, old friends and new :) More ridiculousness follows.**

 **2.**

Tall, it was like he eclipsed everything around him. Broad shoulders and defined muscles she could trace through the thin grey t-shirt he wore. A soft, worn looking leather jacket gripped in one hand… strong hands, working hands, with a hint of grease, perhaps… leading to sinewy forearms, up to biceps so packed with muscle, she wanted to touch to see if they were real. A sharp jaw, covered by a couple of day's worth of stubble, making him appear even more rugged.

Wide, terrified green eyes that made her feel protective, maternal even. Something in those eyes was calling out to her, and she had to fight down her instinct to grab him to her bosom.

She'd even unconsciously pushed out her boobs, popping open an extra button.

In her defense, it all happened so fast, she didn't have much chance of preventing it. She only realized what she'd done when his eyes zoomed in on the attractive sight she was so generously offering. Then, time decided to slow down, letting her experience every excruciatingly embarrassing, awkward moment as he gaped at her. Even her nipples were hard, achy, and reaching out to him.

Not so maternal, then.

Great.

Unable to tear her eyes away from him, Bella blindly cast her hand to the side, grasping her monogrammed work apron and bringing it up before her body like a shield.

The spell finally broke; he looked down at his feet and ran an unsteady hand through his hair. She slipped the strap over her head and tied the apron firmly around her waist, somehow managing to scrounge up enough professionalism to ignore whatever had just passed between them, and speak without sounding like a complete fool.

"My name is Bella, and I'll be your aesthetician for today. Before we get started, can you tell me if you've ever used any other forms of hair removal on your body? And specifically the area you need me to work on today, what is it that you usually do… down there?" she twirled her finger in the general direction of his crotch.

He glanced up, looked down, cleared his throat and scuffed the toe of his shoe against the ground. Bella watched as his firm, well-shaped lips parted. She suppressed a sigh.

He moved his lips to speak, but only managed a croak. She suppressed a laugh.

He coughed a bit, licked those pink lips, and tried again. "This is the first time I'm getting anything … ah… done down there." His ears pinked up to match his lips. "I usually just trim when I need to, never tried anything else."

She crossed her arms, leaning a hip against the workbench. "Have you looked into the options? Waxing is just one of them, you know. And if you don't mind me asking, what made you decide to get manscaped?"

"Mansc… oh yeah, right. Uh, well to be honest, I lost a bet." He shrugged. "I haven't really looked into options. I mean, part of the bet was that I had to come get it done…" he waved his hand around expressively. "So I kind of assumed I'd have to suck it up and get waxed."

Bella nodded, her earlier embarrassment melting away. "Sure, you can get waxed. There's an excellent compound wax with coconut oil that's particularly good for sensitive areas that we could use. Alternatively, you could try sugaring. It's a similar process to waxing, but most people find it far less painful." She eyed his impressive build. "What's your threshold of pain like?"

She could've sworn his eyes darkened, and his voice grew a sexy rumble. "I'd say I can take the pain, but I haven't ever had someone drip hot wax on my bare skin, so I guess I don't really know, do I?"

Bella took a deep breath and blinked. Why had that sounded so freaking hot? Something was wrong with her head today. She was going to perform a standard procedure on a client, not do something freaky like tie him to the bench and play pain-pleasure games with him.

"Do you have any… restraints?" he asked, his hot gaze sweeping around the room.

Bella nearly choked on air. Hot gaze? Restraints? "I'm sorry, what?"

He turned back to look at her, his green eyes guileless and questioning. "Something to prevent people from jumping around with pain," he shrugged. "Maybe something to bite down on?" His dread was obvious, and Bella wanted to bang her head on the wall. Such a hot guy, and clearly a pain wimp. Also, she needed to stop reading bondage erotica.

"Don't worry, sir," she soothed, bringing out her best professional manner. "It really isn't all that painful. In fact, most people psych themselves out, and then are surprised when it isn't as bad as they'd imagined."

He nodded, hanging on to every word. He took a deep breath and stood up straighter. "Alright. I'm going to trust you on that."

Her insides warmed. The parts that were already melting dripped a little, lascivious to the last. It was such an unexpected turn-on, having this hunk of a man so trustingly put himself in her hands… figuratively, of course.

She tried hard to stay professional as she gave him a more detailed run-down of his options, but she couldn't quite get the mental image of 'him' in her hands. He was so tall, and so deliciously manly… he'd be an easy seven or eight inches, for sure. She tried hard to stop her wandering mind from going too far down that path, but she couldn't get it to stop speculating.

"How much do you intend to get done? I mean, I can remove the hair from the pubic area down to the balls, but what about the back?"

His face, which had gradually relaxed while she had explained technical aspects of waxing v/s sugaring, seized up in an expression of horror. "You mean wax my ass?"

She shrugged, trying hard not to let her amusement show. "It's up to you how much you want to get done, but if you were to ask me, I'd advise you to go for the ass as well. Everything will grow back evenly, you know?"

Once again, he struggled with the idea, heroically trying to mask his discomfort.

"Alright," she said, soothingly. "Let's just start with the front, and you can decide about the back later. If it's too much to take, we'll leave it at that, ok?"

His whole body seemed to unclench. "Yes, that'd be… yeah."

"Ok, now I'll just step out for a minute while you change out of your clothes. You can leave everything in that locker over there. Here's a smock to cover up, and… ah, yes, a cock-sock."

He blushed again, this time from the tips of his ears to the tip of his nose. With a quick smile, Bella hurried out.

"Hey Bella," Alice called out, back from her coffee run sneak-out. "I got you a box of those donut holes you like so much."

It wasn't bad as a peace offering, so Bella thanked her and grabbed the little box greedily. "Yum," she moaned, popping the sugar-dusted little ball of dough into her mouth. "These are so good!"

"Better than sex, better than dick, better than almost any-thing," sang Alice, kissing her fingers theatrically and traipsing to her work station.

Bella laughed, picking another sugary confection and licking at it. Mmmm, these were the kind of balls she needed in her life.

Her gaze cut to the door behind which a different kind of mouthwatering treat awaited her ministrations. She agreed with Alice about not going out with clients, but… surely there were loopholes and exceptions to the rule?


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: It was a busy weekend, and the next few days are likely to be busy as well. So, next update should happen around Wednesday. More frequent updates after that, though.**

 **3.**

He was pretty hairy.

Bella pushed the door shut and stepped closer to the man huddled rather uncomfortably on the narrow bench in the middle of the room. He had removed his jeans, so his muscular legs were on display in all their hairy glory. He'd kept his grey t-shirt on, though, using the lavender smock to cover his lap.

His eyes lit up when he saw her, though his fingers twitched nervously where he fiddled with the fabric of the smock.

"Do you need more time?" she asked.

"No, I was… Is it ok if I don't wear this thing?" he lifted the smock a fraction before smoothing it over hurriedly. If Bella hadn't already been about to get up close and personal with the goods he was hiding, she might've been disappointed that she missed that peek. "I don't think it'd fit, and well… I can just keep my shirt on, right? Does it even matter?"

Bella smiled understandingly. The first rule of doing her job well was to calm down the client. If they were freaking out, un-freak them. If they wanted to wear their own clothes and risk messing them up, let them.

"That's fine," she assured him. "You did take off your underwear, though? Might be difficult to work around them."

Her joke elicited a weak chuckle, and a visible relaxation of tense muscles.

"Yeah, I put it away like you said. I umm… also put away the uh, cock-sock. I wasn't really sure it'd fit. Maybe we can just hold a towel over it or something?" His green eyes were so pretty, pleading with her to agree. His voice was so damn attractive, all rumbly and deep. Bella had to brace herself against the edge of the bench to ensure she didn't jump him where he sat.

"That's fine. We can do this any way you're comfortable with," she reassured him. "Have you decided how much area you'd like to have sugared?"

He nodded hesitantly, paused, and then pointed one long finger at the chart she'd handed over earlier. It listed the various options they offered, with prices and a sketch so the client knew exactly how much hair would be removed in each case.

The more popular options included the 'Tarzan', which involved cleaning up everything but a neat triangle of hair just above the shaft; the 'Pilot', which had a narrow landing strip instead; 'Metro', which allowed for a small square trimmed area of hair above the shaft; and of course, 'Hollywood', for a completely hairless experience.

"I was thinking it makes sense to go all the way," he said resolutely. "If it hurts," he paused to clear his throat and mask the waver in his voice, "I can take it."

"And I'll make sure it doesn't hurt. Or try to minimize your discomfort, anyway," promised Bella, taking the chart from him and turning around to make sure she had everything she needed at hand. "Why don't you lie down comfortably, and here, use this towel to cover up, instead of the smock. Lavender isn't your color, is it?"

He let out a startled laugh and accepted the small hand towel she held out. She could hear him shuffling around, getting comfortable, probably stretching out those long legs. She could feel the heat from his body reaching out to her like gentle fingers stroking across her skin. Soft music played through the hidden speakers. It was meant to relax the clients and make for an upbeat work environment. Bella was the opposite of relaxed, though… the music, the man, the fact that she was going to have her hands all over the most interesting parts of his body… it was just adding to the lustful fog around her brain.

"Excuse me, Ms Bella." His voice was low, slightly rough, streaking up her body and sparking it to immediate heated attention.

Her answer was equally low, and rather embarrassingly breathy. "Yes?" She didn't quite turn around; she couldn't, till she was sure she wasn't going to throw herself at him.

"I had another question."

Something in his voice made her turn around. He was lying down now, one arm folded under his head in a way that highlighted his muscles. The other held the small white towel in place.

For a moment, his bare feet distracted her. They looked rough, but not dirty. They definitely weren't feet that spent any appreciable time soaking in hot water, let alone getting scrubbed and moisturized in a pedicurist's capable hands.

He was a little rough around the edges. His shoulders were a little too broad, arms a little too brawny, demeanor a little too virile. He was not exactly out of place, but his raw masculinity made him appear too… large, too _much_ for the delicate décor of the salon.

His hesitant, almost soft voice was at odds with his vigorous presence, and it only drew Bella to him with that much more potency.

"What about if, when you're, you know, touching me… I mean, I know there's a towel, but… what if I get an erection?" he blurted out, eyes resolutely fixed on the ceiling above.

Bella's breath hitched at the thought and her vision blurred for one long moment. His obvious anxiety about such an event brought her back to earth pretty quick, though.

"That's a valid question," she said evenly. "And it isn't unusual for people to get somewhat aroused. For the most part, it actually helps, because it stretches the skin in the area taut. It's less painful for you, and easier for me to work on. However, I've got to admit, most first timers are likely to be too nervous to get an erection."

He let out a relieved huff of laughter and finally looked away from the ceiling. Bella shivered anew when his striking green eyes met her warm brown ones.

"Does that happen a lot?"

His gaze made her stupid again. "What?"

"People getting… inappropriately aroused around you, here?" he frowned, looking more and more concerned with every thought that whizzed through his mind. "What about if anyone tries something? Do you…"

"Calm down, sir," she soothed, trying to hide her amusement. "I'm capable of taking care of myself. And we have a very strict zero-tolerance policy about people trying to sexually harass any of the aestheticians here." She figured it wasn't really relevant to mention how both she and Alice had been asked out by some of the clients after a session… nothing essentially sexual about a date, right? "Okay, let's get started. I'm going to assess your hair situation. Some people have more hair on the shaft and balls, some have less; sometimes people have ingrown hair. I'll just take a quick look and we'll get started. And remember, if at any time you need me to stop, we can take a break, alright?"

Despite her calming tone, her words made him tense up. With a silent sigh, she snapped on her gloves.

She grasped the edge of the towel and gently tugged it out of his tense fingers.

He was neatly trimmed, she noted, seeing that the hair growth was even and more or less free of visible ingrowth. Hair looked to be a bit hard, but that was to be expected. A light smattering of hair around his balls.

She folded over the towel fully and could have sworn her heart stopped beating for a moment. Michelangelo's David had nothing on him—from musculature, to a perfect frame, to a classically handsome face… to disproportionately ungenerous genitalia.

He had a wee nub of a cock, and she wanted to weep in sorrow.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: We're back to regular updates! Thanks for reading and waiting around while I re-learn this business of juggling multiple tasks a day.**

 ** **4**.**

People were usually pleased when they were proved right.

Bella definitely made it a point to celebrate when she was proved right.

As she used the spatula to quickly and expertly spread the sugar mixture over small patches of her client's mons pubis, however, she was feeling far from celebratory. Though the sugaring solution was lukewarm, the moment it touched his skin, he tensed, and she knew without even looking that his dick was doing its best to shrink back inside his body.

Not that it had far to go.

That thought made her even more morose.

She knew from experience that first timers were likely to shrivel up from the expectation of pain. She fully expected that to happen with this client too, no matter how deliciously manly he seemed. She also knew that the mons was one of the most sensitive patches of skin to work on in any case.

She should've been done with expectations anyway, the moment she met his chicklet of a cock.

And yet, as she gently pressed down the strip and pulled away neat sections of hair, she couldn't shake the feeling of having been let down. Like the universe was having a good old laugh at her expense. Especially when his abs tightened and those sinewy arms flexed and he lay there with his thighs spread. Such a tempting spread. She couldn't stop herself from covertly admiring the man, because he was just so sexy. The rest of him almost made her forget about the little dick. Almost.

"Miss?" His forehead was deeply furrowed, jaw clenched.

She paused, eyes darting back from his tense face to the area she'd just cleared. "Yes, sir?" she stroked his smooth skin gently, checking to make sure it wasn't overly distressed. His breath caught. "Do you want to take a break?"

"No," he said, his voice a little hoarse. "I just wanted to tell you I might have a higher threshold of pain than I thought. You don't need to be too gentle with me."

"Sure," she said, shaking the sex fog from her brain, yet again. You know, the one that took her straight to the dungeon, where she tied him up and wasn't… gentle. She shuddered.

Her hands remained steady, the smooth flow of motion completely at odds with the erratic thoughts that were flashing through her mind.

It wasn't uncommon for random thoughts, sexual or otherwise, to pass her mind while working on a client. She sometimes suspected this actually happened with a lot of people—just randomly, idly considering sexual positions with the people they met at work, or the grocery store, or wherever. Mental mating, she liked to call it.

It didn't mean anything, and it helped her _not_ make the mistake of say, going out with Tyler Crowley from the bank, because just imagining his come-face was a turn-off. Nice guy he may be, but she could not imagine going out and maybe getting naked with him.

She had tried imagining it, and it wasn't pretty.

With a sigh, she folded the towel in half, exposing the crease of his left leg, right up to the balls. With one hand on his towel-covered crotch to stretch the skin, she carefully spread the mixture against the direction of hair growth.

His unexpected ability to stay still as a statue was turning out to be a benefit. His almost stone-like silence was a little unnerving, though.

"This looks good, so far," she rambled conversationally. "The hair isn't ingrown, so for the most part, I don't need to go over the same patches of skin again. There isn't any visible redness in the areas that I've just worked on, though I'd like you to be careful about any irritation in the next couple of days." She pressed down firmly and jerked off the sticky strip.

He grunted in response—not like a pig, though. More like sexy caveman.

Well, everyone knew that sexy cavemen weren't big on talking. What they were big on was…

Bella froze for a moment. Something was pushing insistently against her palm, and it sure didn't feel small.

She bit her lip, smearing the sugaring solution closer to his balls. She gently pressed down on his towel-covered dick, and sure enough, felt an answering push back, in the very distinctive shape of a rod. A growing, thick pipe of titanium, by the feel of it. Peeling off the strip with a neat flick of her wrist, she fought the instinct to toss away the towel and explore his cock—for science.

Surely it was a worthy topic of study? It was a concealed weapon, a deceptively tiny crumb of a dick that hid its true potential from unsuspecting women, probably shocking them senseless when it revealed itself in its true, devious, twisted form.

Not that it felt twisted or particularly grotesque. Moving to the right leg crease, Bella tried to gauge its shape and (new) size without being obvious about it, or appearing to cop a feel, but she wasn't sure she was too successful. He let out a deep, rumbling grunt or two, but that could have been from the thing where she was ripping his hair from the roots.

Or it could've been in response to her touch—over the towel, but still! She could definitely feel a twitch or two, and the insignificant nub had morphed into a very noticeable presence. From next to nothing, it was now definitely a respectable five inches or more, she guessed. Again, it came down to scientific observation, and well, it would be _hard_ , but Bella could handle it.

The air around them seemed to thicken with sexual tension—or was it just all the lust seeping from her pores? Her cheeks heated in embarrassed memory of her sadly departed professionalism. Grabbing a bottle of water from the basket she usually stashed on a lower shelf of her work station, she gulped down half before she found her voice.

"Want some water? Or a break, or something? We're doing really well here, but I'm going to get right onto the shaft now, and then I'll move onto the back."

"No, that's fine," he said. She could see his throat bob as he swallowed. "I ah… well, it's probably best to just get it over with. You know, while my... body is being so helpful about going taut and stretching the skin and all."

She nearly choked. "Yeah, that's very considerate of it."

His laughter rang out suddenly, deep and infectious, and she couldn't help but join in.

The awkward sexual tension evaporated. Or at least receded far enough to allow Bella to uncover and handle his erect shaft—in the least sexy way possible.


	5. Chapter 5

**5.**

She tried not to give him a bona fide hand-job, she really did.

It kind of helped that they weren't actually skin-to-skin, thanks to her gloves.

What didn't help was the way his dick practically leapt into her hand when she reached for it. Or how, when she set about removing the sparse hair scattered along the base of his shaft, its turgidity seemed to increase.

The thing was, she did have to grip his cock firmly, and rotate it in all directions to make sure she didn't leave any stray hair behind. She even had to tug on it a little, this way and that, bending closer and examining it carefully.

With a sharp breath, his hand shot out and gripped her wrist. Bella was stunned for a moment. She really hadn't taken this guy to be the kind who would try to harass her.

Before she could voice some kind of protest, though, he opened tortured eyes and raised his torso half off the bench with an impressive play of abdominal muscles.

"Please," he whispered. "Could you stop a moment? I need…"

She followed his line of sight and gasped, hurriedly straightening. How had she not realized that she was standing there with her face practically in his lap? Clearly, his dick was happy with all the attention, if the glistening precum was anything to go by. It looked one lick or a couple of tugs away from erupting.

"Ohh r-right," she stammered. "I'll just step out and you can … there's a washroom through there if you need it, or, oh here, I have tissues."

She took a slight step back, but couldn't quite bring herself to let go.

For a beat, their eyes met and neither of them breathed. It felt like time slowed down. It felt like nothing else existed except for the two of them, the deep green of his eyes, and the warm weight of his cock in her hand.

Then he cut the connection between them, laying back with a suppressed groan, and Bella hurriedly unhanded him.

Without another word—not that one was needed—she rushed out of the room.

"What happened to you?" Alice asked, pausing on her way to the stock room.

Bella blinked. "I'm not entirely sure, but do you think you can come by later? This has been by far the freakiest work experience I've ever had. I need you to hammer some sense into me."

"Freaky? Like, how freaky? Does he have piercings in his piercings or something?"

"No!" exclaimed Bella, making shushing motions. "Nothing like that, just… weird for me. Weird how I've been reacting to this guy. That kind of freaky."

"Oh, ok," Alice relaxed her stance. "That's alright. The usual human condition. Attraction, the tension… don't you see baby, this is perfection," she sang out the last line before wriggling her hips in a very Shakira way.

Laughing when Bella tried to swat at her, Alice skipped away nimbly.

 **…**

Fortunately, there really wasn't any way to sexualize a hairy ass.

Upon returning from her little break, she was relieved to find that her client had once again draped the small towel over his crotch, and more importantly, that his cock had once again retracted into the other dimension or wherever it was that it usually disappeared to.

She quickly positioned him on all fours facing away from her; then got straight to work before any other wayward thoughts could derail her concentration.

She didn't even stop to admire his muscular glutes, though she may have sent up a prayer thanking the Lord that he didn't appear to have eaten beans in the recent past.

He sat up when it was done, long legs dangling off the side of the bench, his towel still strategically kept in place with one hand. As she stripped off her gloves after going over the aftercare routine, she finally allowed herself to look at him again.

He looked far more relaxed than when he had walked in less than an hour back. His green eyes smiled at her, though his lips were noncommittal.

"Thank you," he said. "You've got magical hands. You made it a lot easier and definitely less painful than I'd anticipated."

For some reason, his words made her blush. "I'm glad I could do that, sir," she finally managed.

"Please call me Edward," he said, and this time his lips smiled right along with his eyes. "I think after all we've been through, that kind of formality is a little redundant."

 **…**

"And then?"

"Then he went and paid. And left." Bella shrugged, pouring some more wine into her glass.

"That's all? That's your story?" Alice pouted. "Bella! I thought he asked you to be part of his harem, or like, some sex orgy at his local swinger's club, or something really freaky."

"But it was freaky!" Bella protested. "This wasn't normal, Alice. I'm a professional, and I'm good at what I do, and I do not go around molesting my clients."

"Ah come on, he wasn't complaining," Alice muttered around the rim of her glass.

"That's not the point. What was wrong with me, sexualizing him the moment he walked in? Judging his cock?" Bella shuddered.

Alice shook her head. "Nothing wrong with you. Human nature, I told you. I went out with that dick I waxed, remember? The ten inch dick that I didn't get to try out?

Bella giggled. "Oh yeah, how did I forget that? This guy was different, though."

"Because he didn't ask you out? I think he missed his chance 'cause he was embarrassed," Alice said airily.

"No, not that… I was thinking of the way his dick just grew and grew. I was thinking, he could be one of those dudes on dickstagram."

Alice spit out her wine. Wrinkling her nose at the mess, Bella tossed a paper towel at the mess.

"Whatsta-gram? Is that even a thing? Wait, how do you know about it?"

"I'm assuming it's a thing. You know, for the guys who grew up texting dick pics, it's the logical next step… post their weenies on social media with filters and cartoon arms and moustaches and who knows what."

Alice gave that the serious consideration it deserved, then nodded. "Yeah, like that guy with the cartoon-ified dick on tumblr. What was it called, again?"

They stared at each other intently, before Bella snapped her fingers and sat back. "Things my dick does."

Alice reached out to high-five her. "Yes, that's the guy. Didn't it get pulled from there, though? It was definitely the highlight of 2015."

"Maybe," Bella shrugged. "Tumblr is weird and exhausting with all the porn content that disappears and reappears. I mean, after a point, I stopped searching because I didn't know what to search for."

"What did you search for?" Alice asked, curiously.

Bella opened her mouth, then shut it with a snap. "It doesn't matter. Thing is, these days instagram is the place to go for all kinds of hotness. Oh come on! I know you follow all those tattooed hotties on insta, so don't look so shocked."

Alice giggled and nodded. "Alright, I think I get the point. All the wannabe dudes who love their dicks will obviously make the most of it."

"Precisely! I knew there was a reason you're my best friend."

They clinked their glasses and drank deeply.

"So, you thought he was a dickstagrammer, huh?"

"Well, yeah!" said Bella in a tone that implied it was all very obvious. "Hello, magical dick that can go from zero to like, sixty in thirty seconds! Just think if you had boobs that could do something like that."

"Oh, you mean, like if they were this sized," she presented her modestly proportioned bust, "when I wanted to wear a tank top or a strapless dress, but grew to like, here…" her hands stretched out to mime generous watermelons, or perhaps her idea of double Ds, "when I want a cleavage in a v-neck, or if I wanted to try tit-sex, or something."

"Exactly!" Bella nodded enthusiastically. "Expandable, super convenient, hot without the under-boob sweat."

"Buy the pretty bras in whatever size is available," exclaimed Alice.

"Never have to suffer backaches because the girls are too heavy."

"Girl, you're a genius!" Alice said, appraising Bella in the light of true admiration and more than a little inebriation. "You just single-handedly solved the problems of thousands of women around the country. Not just the country… the world!"

"Thank you," Bella nodded bashfully, before poking a finger inside her glass to make sure the wine was all gone. "I do what I can." A small hiccup. "Saving the world is hard work. You carry on. I'll be there," she waved in the general direction of the bedroom.

Alice nodded sagely. "You go on."

Ten minutes later, both women were passed out, comfortably tucked into Bella's bed.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: My kitchen cabinets are fixed, but the bathroom is still a mess of broken tile and random pipes squirting water. Home improvement sucks.**

 **6.**

"Gather round," Rose said, clapping her hands gently.

"You remember Mrs. Cope, our kindergarten teacher?" muttered Alice, leaning towards Bella covertly and pretending to remove a piece of lint from her hair.

"Get Rose a hairnet, and it's like we're five again," whispered Bella.

"We need braids and dungarees," added Alice.

"It could be our Halloween costume," Bella mused straight-faced, completely ignoring the mysterious choking sounds at her side.

"We'd be her accessories?" sniggered Alice. "Kids on the side?"

"Absolutely. We'd have to be slutty, though. Halloween and all, ya know," mused Bella, taking half a step back to lean against the wall. It didn't hurt that her move forced Mike to shuffle ahead and partially hide her from Rose.

"How do we slut up dungarees?" Alice didn't sound convinced.

"No shirts?" Bella suggested.

"No bras."

"No…"

"No talking, kids," Rose chided. "I've got something important to share with you today."

Bella and Alice grinned back unabashed.

"First of all, I'd like to welcome back the newlyweds, Mike and Eric. Congratulations, guys!" Rose waited for the hoots and applause to die down, grinning when the men in question turned and bowed theatrically to their gathered colleagues.

"Thanks, Rosie," Mike cast a dazzling grin at the gathering, making more than one heart flutter. "Eric and I want to invite you guys for a celebration this Friday at the Lumber Yard Bar over on the White Centre strip. Anytime after 7, we'll be hanging there and we'd love if you could make it."

A chorus of yeas and a handful of regretful nays later, Rose stepped forward again.

"Right, now to more serious business…"

…

"So, what do you think?" Alice asked.

"About what… the party on Friday? Hell yeah! This series of health check-ups Rose wants to inflict on us? I dunno." Bella shrugged. "I mean, I get why she thinks it's a good idea. This business is pretty taxing and the kind of health risks we're exposed to aren't a joke, but I mean, look at us."

Alice looked her up and down critically. "Yeah, I'm looking. You're not conditioning properly. And you need a manicure sometime this century."

Bella raised an eyebrow. "Ahem. I was talking about how obviously fit and healthy the lot of us are. We have reasonable hours, Rose is all up our business making sure we don't get high off hairspray and acetone." Alice cracked up, and Bella paused to grin back. "Yeah ok, I'm glad she does. I know all about those studies about how these things have been linked to all kinds of disease. It's just, she already does enough, don't you think? It feels a bit unnecessary, is all."

"Hey, you know how Mother Rose gets. It's kind of cute, actually. I'll take her over Bad Bitch Rose any day."

"Yeah, I agree." Bella glanced back at her list of appointments with a frown.

"What?"

"This guy," she pointed. "He's been here before."

"So?"

"So, he asked me out. Multiple times."

"Ooh, you have an admirer!" Alice nearly squealed. "What's he like? Is he cute? Is he all metrosexual? Oh wait, is this the magic dick guy?"

"Magic dick guy didn't ask me out, remember?" Bella shook her head. "This guy came in about four months ago, got a facial or something. Then he came back to get his chest waxed, the next time he got a manzillion, and before you ask, yes, he had a big dick and was totally proud of it. A bit too proud, if you ask me. Bit of a turn off."

"Oh," said Alice, sounding rather deflated. "Is that why you turned him down?"

"Ah, actually, I didn't." Bella didn't look up from where she was very carefully stacking a tower of hand towels for easy access.

"Wait a minute. You went out with someone you met at work. Someone's whose dick you handled. And. You. Didn't. Tell. Me," Alice punctuated each word with a pointy-fingered jab. "Bella, we're supposed to tell each other this kind of stuff!"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Bella begged, half laughing at Alice's ferocity. "It was just last week. You were so disappointed with that ten-inch dick you went out with. It didn't seem like the right time to tell you I'd agreed to go out with a nine-incher."

"Hmm, so how'd it go, anyway?"

"I'm not sure," Bella shrugged. "It was ok, I guess. We met up for drinks after work last Thursday, and it was alright. He's cute enough, but I wasn't feeling it. Maybe because he thinks it's perfectly cool to bring his dick into a conversation like it's a separate entity. I mean, I said, hello Jacob, how're you doing? He goes, 'I'm good, and _little big_ here is more than fine now that you're here'," Bella pantomimed with gusto.

Alice laughed long and loud. "You're kidding. And I thought my date was obnoxious!"

"I shut him down, but I should never have gone out with him at all," Bella shook her head in regret. "It's like, once you've seen their dick, there's just no need to put in an effort to be civilized or you know, talk about anything but the glory of their flipping penis."

"The Flipping Penis," intoned Alice seriously, "should be the name of a naked pancake place."

"Eww, gross!" Bella exclaimed. "No way. You will henceforth not get any say in naming hypothetical naked pancake places."

"What'd you call it, then?" she challenged.

"Flappin' Flapjacks," Bella responded. "Waffle and Weiner. Cocks and Cakes."

"Those are so much worse than mine!" Alice protested.

"Bare-assed Hotcakes."

"Nah, just give up," Alice said backing away towards the door. "You're worse than me."

"Strip 'n' snack!" Bella called out as Alice quickly ran out. She giggled at the thought of how weird an outsider would find their conversations, but found she didn't really care. Besides, she had bigger problems at hand… nine inches too big.

The fact that this guy had the balls to come back and ask for her to wax his balls was really rubbing her the wrong way. Despite his ridiculous cock fixation, he hadn't struck her as particularly skeevy… just really, really, dick-dumb. After that night, she had thought he'd stay away.

Mike popped his head into the room. "Hey Bee, how busy are you today?"

Bella's eyes widened and she waved him in happily. "Mike, you're just the guy I need right now!"

"Ok, that's not something I often hear from a girl," he joked, walking in.

"Shut up, you're a hunk and you know it," Bella laughed, hugging him. "I need your help, please, kind sir."

"Sure thing, babyface," he tipped an imaginary hat at her, then flipped it off his head and onto an imaginary hat stand in the corner.

"Swap a client with me? I went out with this guy, and it wasn't the best decision."

"Uh oh, girl," Mike shook his head. "Have I taught you nothing? You don't sleep with clients! I know Alice doesn't listen to me, but you… I had such hopes for you!"

"I didn't sleep with him!" Bella protested. "Alice and I had been discussing dicks… as we do, you know," Mike nodded in agreement, and she continued, "and then she got asked out by this guy with a ten inch dick, so when this nine inch dude showed up, I said yeah, because I didn't want to miss out, or whatever. Oh stop giving me that judgy look! I know it was stupid, ok!"

"Ok, not judging," he soothed her. "Besides, I know all about making questionable dick decisions."

She giggled. "Yeah, you really do."

"Sassy," he approved. "Anyway, I've learnt it's no point having a long dong if you don't have the personality to match it. Guys like that are usually not the best or most giving lovers anyhow. A moderately hung dude who knows who he is and what he's doing is a much better bet. Self confidence and humility, that's the real deal, Bee."

"Good to know," she said, trying to hide the warm wave of color that swept over her face at the memory of one rugged man who looked like he'd know what to do with his hands… and other deceptively moderate appendages. "So, you'll take him?"

"Of course," he waved airily. "Now, you coming on Friday, or what?"

"Like you need to ask!" she scoffed. "Besides, you just saved me a ton of embarrassment. First round's on me."

"I'll hold you to that," he laughed.

…

"Friday nights are the best," moaned Alice, slurping the last of her mojito. "No stress about getting hungover tomorrow. Bring it on, bartender!"

Bella giggled, sipping at her pink raspberry cosmo. "Hang on, let me get that on video. I'll play it back for you tomorrow morning."

"Already done, Bee," laughed Mike. "Want another round? I'm going to order some more of those nachos and maybe a slider."

"Ooh, get me one of those mashed potato bars, please!" Alice said. "And yes to the top up."

Mike waved to one of servers, who responded with a brief nod and a smile. Bella set down her glass and stood. "I'll be right back, guys."

The vibe at the Lumber Yard bar was upbeat, yet the atmosphere was curiously relaxed. Bella looked around with cursory interest at the people she passed, seeing groups, couples of all orientations, as well as the odd solitary guy or girl chilling at the bar. After braving a blessedly short line at the restroom, Bella emerged ready to enjoy the rest of the night, and promptly tripped over thin air.

She squeezed her eyes shut and braced for impact.

"Oof!" a voice huffed near her ear, as warm, strong arms wrapped around her as they fell.

The next thing she knew, she was horizontal, tangled up with a warm, hard body. She opened her eyes cautiously and saw green eyes staring back at her.


	7. Chapter 7

**7.**

"Edward?"

"Are you ok?"

They spoke at the same time, then paused.

After a beat, he spoke again. "Are you alright? You didn't get hurt, did you?"

She shook her head. "I'm fine, I think. But what about you?" Her hands skimmed his torso and biceps, up his strong shoulders, and over his soft hair, fingers feeling out signs of injury. "Oh God, I'm crushing you!"

She braced herself on his muscular chest and sat up, knees on either side of his trim hips. He pushed himself to sit up as well, bringing their faces back into close proximity. She fought the urge to sway closer.

His hands didn't help, moving up her sides, gently stroking at her neck, before skimming down her back and probing her legs much the same way as she had done for him.

She shivered, his barely-there touch searing through clothing and making it extremely difficult for her to remember simple things, like her name and why she shouldn't taste his lips and hump him where they sat.

"They've got chairs for that sort of thing," Alice commented casually, leaning against a nearby wall. "Barstools, beds, lots of options."

"He looks more comfy than a barstool, Alice," chided Mike, appearing beside her. "The location is a bit… questionable, of course."

"Ugh yeah," Alice agreed, wrinkling her nose at the restroom door. "Move the party, kids."

Bella rolled her eyes and tried to scramble off the floor and the man who'd saved her from hitting it. His soft chuckle distracted her, though.

"Here, wait a minute," he said. At this close range, she could feel the words vibrate through her body, which was a novel and rather enjoyable experience. "Just hold on tight, ok?"

The next thing she knew, he stood up in one smooth motion, holding her close with one arm around her waist and the other on her butt. Before she could fully appreciate all the fantastic sensations his touch was causing, he had placed her on her feet and taken away his wonderful arms from around her.

She wanted to cry at the loss, and even considered the viability of pretending to faint just so he'd hold her close again. Alice's gleeful expression and completely unsubtle winking and waggling of eyebrows distracted her, though.

"Is she alright?" Edward leaned over and whispered in her ear. "Does she have a nervous twitch or something?"

Bella sniggered and shook her head, turning to face him fully. Her hands came to rest on his chest, and a thrill went through her when he placed his warm, large hands over hers. "Ignore her. And thank you for saving me back then. I don't even know what happened. I just tripped, I guess."

"I'm glad I was here to catch you," he smiled back, eyes glowing even in the dim light of the passage. "I'm glad I got to see you again."

She shrugged, tilting her head down coyly. "Why, is something the matter with… what I did the other day? If there was, you know where to find me."

She could've sworn he blushed a little. "Nothing wrong down there. You were great, I mean… you did a great job. I was a mess, and… wow I probably didn't make a very good first impression, huh?"

"You really weren't that bad, just a bit nervous," she laughed. "It happens. Besides, you just saved me. I owe you big time now!"

"I might just hold you to that, Miss Bella." He smiled at her, and something intangible seemed to pass between them, making her heartbeat speed up.

"Are you getting all that?" Alice's voice, a loud whisper, broke through their moment.

"Yeah, now shush, you're gonna make them all self-conscious and shit," Mike said, focused on the screen on his phone.

"Are you losers seriously videoing this?" Bella demanded, stepping away from Edward and his warm hands. She turned to face her interfering friends with narrowed eyes and hands on her hips.

"Well, duh," Alice said. "Shoo now, ignore us. Go back to humping the handsome guy."

Bella's face flamed. "I was not humping him!"

"I should hope not!" A blond guy, tall, good looking but somewhat severe in appearance, stepped up to the group. "I got dibs on him tonight." His brooding blue eyes swept over their group with what could only be called a hostile glare.

Bella swiveled to stare at Edward, who just sighed, shrugged, and dropped a quick peck on her cheek. "He's right, I did promise him. But is it ok if I drop by at the salon one of these days? Maybe we could hang out?"

In a daze, she nodded, and then watched the two men disappear into the crowd.

…

She could still feel the electricity of his lips against her cheek hours later. It probably helped that she wasn't drunk, because that sometimes made it difficult to feel her extremities.

As it happened, after Edward's unexpected cameo, her friends had been far too involved in trying to decipher what had just happened, to drink much.

"So you just bumped into some random guy and he turned out to be hot? Damn, you have all the luck, Bella," said Eric, leaning against his husband. "Hey, Mike, remember that time I bumped into that dude? He was real mean."

Mike dropped an affectionate kiss on Eric's forehead. "Yeah, I remember. But I rescued you, didn't I?"

"Awww," cooed Alice. "Turn it down, lovebirds. Focus on Bella, here."

"No, no," Bella protested. "Nothing to focus on. And anyway, he's not random."

"You know that fine, fine man?" Mike exclaimed. "What the hell?"

"Uh yeah," Bella shrugged. "He came over to the salon last week."

Alice squinted suspiciously at Bella. "Wait a minute. Is this the magic dick?"

"Stop calling him that! His name is Edward," Bella protested. "But… yeah."

"What's this about a magic dick?" Eric sat forward, quirking one shapely eyebrow.

Bella sighed. "He came for a manzillion, and it was tiny, ok. And then, it just… grew. Like magic."

"Oh," nodded Mike with sudden enlightenment. "He's uncut, isn't he?"

"How'd you know that?" Bella asked in amazement. "I never said anything about it!"

"Well honey, as far as we're concerned, you never said anything about anything, you get my drift?" Mike waggled his eyebrows suggestively. "Magic is not going to love the idea that we discussed his business. So this little soiree," he twirled his finger around the table, "never happened."

"Very _Fight Club_ ," approved Eric, stroking Mike's hair affectionately. "I concur."

"Whatever, you guys," Bella sighed. "I don't even know why we're discussing this. I barely know him."

"But he is hot as fuck, and you _want_ to know him," put in Alice.

"Makes more sense than going out with those super-hung guys. That Jacob dude you sent over to me? God, Bee, he was all about himself!" exclaimed Mike. "If it had been him tonight, you'd have face-planted, because he'd be too busy flexing his abs to actually grab you."

Bella and Alice couldn't hold back their laughter, because it was all too easy for them to picture something like that.

"You're probably right, but it's not like I really have a choice here, right?" Bella smiled sadly. "Let's not forget he went off with a guy… who had 'dibs on him', apparently."

"Finger-quotes aren't your thing," Alice noted absently. "You know, there's something off there. I can't quite put my finger on it though."

"Oh yeah, the maybe-boyfriend/flavor of the night," said Mike on an exhale. "He was hot too, but kind of wound up, right?"

"Exactly!" Alice nodded animatedly. "And wasn't Magic… I mean, Edward… wasn't he totally into Bella? We have the video to prove it!"

"Uh, hello, does the fact that he's gay not mean anything to you lot?" Bella protested.

"Duh, of course it does," winked Mike. "But he could be bi. He didn't give me very strong gay vibes, to be honest."

"Anyway, how does his sexual orientation even matter?" Alice pointed out. "He wants to hang out with you, right? Nothing wrong with having a few more friends."

"And if somewhere along the line, he confesses that he's bi, and totally into you," cut in Eric, "nothing wrong with giving that fine bod a spin."

Bella buried her face in her hands.

"Oh, and let's not forget, that magic dick of his," added Mike. "That must be awesome for sex. Porn dicks are a pain in the ass, quite literally."

"Oh God," moaned Bella, between laughter and tears. "I'm not having anal sex with him! Or any sex with him!"

"Well, obviously not tonight," soothed Eric, "but in the event that you do, at least you know it'll be good!"

"Hey, what about that blond guy with Edward, though?" Alice mused.

"What about him?"

The deep voice made them jump, twisting around in their chairs to stare up at a tall, handsome man with brooding blue eyes.

Bella gulped. "Oh shit."


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: I just want to thank everyone who's been reading, reviewing, and recommending this story. I know it was up in ADF a few weeks back, and that directed a lot of readers my way. Thanks for dropping by. Making you all laugh is the best feeling ever :)**

 **8.**

Alice looked the newcomer up and down, which wasn't easy, considering he was pretty tall and she was sitting down. So she did the sensible thing and clambered onto the table. From her new position of eminence, she nodded in satisfaction and proceeded to look down on him from the crown of his over-long hair to his scuffed up boots.

"Were you eavesdropping?" she demanded, never one to beat around the bush.

The man, who had been watching her actions with an impassive expression, quirked an eyebrow. "Were you talking about me?" he shot back.

"I don't know you," she said, dismissively.

"How'd you know Edward?" he sniped.

"He can tell you that just as well. Why didn't you ask him?" They were almost nose to nose in their own bubble of antagonism, completely oblivious to the fact that Mike had his phone out, capturing all the heat between them on camera. It was a good day for wannabe-paps. "What's with the attitude, bub?"

"Bub?" he growled, blue eyes narrowing dangerously.

"Sure," she said, smiling so suddenly that he blinked and recoiled. "What's your name, anyway?"

"Jasper," he replied, clearly confused by her shift to cordiality.

"Jasper," she drew out the syllables and drenched them in honey. One of her hands landed on his shoulder and his eyes widened comically. "Such a charming name. I'm Mary Alice, but you can call me Alice." She ended with another dazzling smile and surreptitiously kicked out in the general direction of Bella's arm.

Getting the hint, Bella gradually eased away from the table. The clean-shaven blond demi-Thor didn't seem to notice her at all, completely captivated by the woman before him.

"Alice," he repeated, as though in a daze. "Lovely to meet you."

Alice lowered her lashes and side-eyed Bella shimmying away towards the door. "Could you help me down from up here, Jasper," she asked, her voice dropping conspiratorially, making him lean in to hear her better. "I don't do so well with heights."

She pretended to stumble with a little "Oopsie!" draping her arms around Jasper's powerful shoulders. He almost beat her to it, sweeping her up in his sinewy arms and holding her close for a moment, nose to nose, chest to bosom, before he gently set her down. They didn't break eye contact, not even when she found her feet. She slowly ran her hands down his defined pectorals, counting the ridges of his abs, till her fingers snagged at the edge of his waistband. His hands briefly pressed her to his body, before releasing her hips.

"Wow," she breathed. "You're really big. And strong."

He bit his lip, all sexy-shy, and smiled. "I'm glad I could use it for a good cause."

"Oh, you really are a charmer," Alice exclaimed in tones of utter delight. "I am so glad I met you tonight, Jasper!"

"I feel the same way, Alice," he reached out to lift her hand to his lips.

Mike nearly fell out of his chair, while Eric bit down on his knuckle to prevent a squeal from breaking free. "I didn't think little Alice had it in her," he whispered.

Mike nodded, still watching mesmerized as the couple before them exchanged numbers and several long, lustful glances. "This has been one helluva night, love. Makes me want to get you home and do fucking naughty things to you."

"You had me at fucking." Eric chugged the rest of his drink and grabbed his husband. "Hey Alice, great party, right? See you later, stay safe, etcetera."

Mike paused long enough to blow Alice a kiss and toss a suggestive eyebrow wiggle in the general direction of Jasper's obvious package. Then he was gone.

Alice giggled watching the handsy couple hustling out of the bar. "They won't last that long," she confided in the tall man who had pulled up a chair for her. "I'd bet good money we'll find them making out in the alleyway in under a minute."

He smirked. "I love a good bet, but I'm not touching that."

"Hmm, so what'd you rather bet on?" she leaned closer.

"Edward and your friend," he said casually, grinning when her mouth fell open. "Yeah, I saw that kick you gave her. Needs some work. I could help."

Alice sat up and stared at the man, as though seeing him clearly for the first time. "Jasper, where have you been all my life?" she demanded, launching herself at him.

After thoroughly exploring the ways in which they could make a single breath last while fused at the lips, they broke apart, panting.

"Yeah," she said decisively. "Not gay." Before he could question her, she was at his lips again, gently insinuating herself into his arms.

…

Meanwhile, Bella slipped out of the bar unsuspecting of the momentous events that were taking place there.

She had other things on her mind, of course. Like how awesome her best friend was, taking on the ornery blond giant just so she could skip out without having to confront him. She owed Alice big for that.

The other thing on her mind was this guy who had unexpectedly popped back on her radar that night. He was tall and well built, but his rough edges didn't feel abrasive against her body when she fell on him. When he held her hands, she might've swooned a little. It wasn't exactly standard operating procedure for her to be so drawn to someone, so Bella figured there must be something special about him. Edward… even his name sent shivers up her spine.

Lost in thought, she almost ran into the subject of her fantasies.

"Bella!" he exclaimed, his incredulous grin making her forget where she was for a moment. "I didn't think he could do it."

That made her pause. "He? Who? Do what?"

Now Edward paused. "My friend, the blond guy, Jasper," he said. "He bet me he could convince you to come out and talk to me. He…" Edward stopped and gauged Bella's look of utter confusion. "Ah shit!" he muttered, rubbing his face with those large hands of his. "Did I just make an ass of myself?"

Bella pursed her lips to hold in a giant grin. "I wouldn't say that," she hedged, leveling him with a mock-stern look. "But I'm not sure how I feel about being the subject of a bet."

"Oh fu… I didn't mean it that way! We weren't betting on you or anything, I swear. Jasper was the one who bet me to get waxed… or sugared in my case." Bella nodded, rather enjoying where this was going. "He didn't think I would actually go through with it. But I did, thanks to you. Then tonight we met again, and I guess I spent all night talking about you," he muttered the last bit with another of his blushes. They were even more adorable since they were so out of character with his otherwise rugged demeanor. "Jasper had lost our last bet, so…"

"So he had to go in and get me to come out to talk to you?" Bella surmised.

"Something like that," Edward shrugged.

"He didn't really do anything," Bella laughed. "I ran out while Alice distracted him. He came up to our table all grim faced, and I thought he was going to chew me out for discussing his boyfriend…"

Edward's lips twitched up into a slow, sweet smile. "You were talking about me?"

"Well, I did fall on top of you and nearly crush you, so… yeah," Bella said quickly, memory of exactly which parts of Edward they had been discussing making her a bit hot under the collar.

He leaned closer and for the second time that evening Bella got a good whiff of his utterly alluring and totally manly scent. "I'm not his boyfriend, though," he whispered, the casual intimacy almost more than she could bear. "Quite single, in fact."

She was saved from having to figure out an answer to that interesting piece of information, because at that precise moment, two men stumbled out of the door and nearly barreled into her.

"Mike! Eric!" she exclaimed. "Guys, get a room… oof!" She batted away the jacket that one of the men in question had flung her way. Before she could say another word, they had disappeared around the corner, from where embarrassingly loud moans echoed not ten seconds later.

"Wow. They do that a lot?" Edward asked, pointing in the general direction of the back alley.

"Newlyweds," she explained.

"Right," he nodded. "Anyway, you want to go check on Jasper and your friend?"

Bella nodded. "Oh yes, I better. Jasper looked like he was in for a fight, and Alice isn't one to back down."

Edward nodded and gallantly held the door open for Bella, who hurried through… and stopped short.

"Somehow, 'tongues battling for dominance' was not quite the kind of fight I imagined we'd walk in on," Bella laughed.


	9. Chapter 9

9.

Alice was avoiding Bella.

This was not a completely unheard of phenomenon. In fact, something like this usually took place a couple of times every month, often after weekends spent making bad decisions. These bad decisions frequently included men, sex, and Alice having to extract herself from sticky situations. From time to time, Bella did the extracting, which made avoidance difficult.

This time was different.

Bella crouched behind the manicure chair, tracking her friend's movements like a hunter tracking its prey. Not by the blink of an eyelid did she give away her position. She was focused. She was determined. She would get all the answers!

Every. Dirty. Detail. Was. Hers.

Meanwhile, the unsuspecting friend traipsed closer and closer to the hunter's hideout, until with a mighty leap Bella sprang up and grabbed her arm in an unshakable grip of steel. Alice didn't stand a chance.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing, crazypants?" Alice demanded, flailing and trying unsuccessfully to bat off Bella's hands.

Bella growled and drooled a little.

"No, seriously. Have you been watching _Secrets of the Serengeti_ again?" Alice demanded, resorting to yanking on Bella's hair, which yielded quick and effective results.

"Ow! Leave my hair alone, you… you avoider!"

"You tried to maul me two seconds ago, you savage. I think that's great cause to avoid you," Alice said, backing away a step or two… or three, before she turned and flat out ran.

"Oh no, you don't," Bella muttered, chasing and overtaking her. They scrambled and jostled and there may have been a little pinching and poking, but when the dust settled, Bella was victorious. Alice, her arms firmly held behind her back, was marched over to the nearest manicure chair and summarily shoved into it.

"That was unfair, and you know it! You can't always use your cop-kid expertise to defeat me," Alice grumbled, arms crossed across her chest.

"So don't avoid me like you have something to hide," Bella shot back. "Besides, you know you're usually faster than I am. So how about you tell me why you were running funny just now, huh?"

Alice pouted and glared.

"Oh dear," Bella said with mock contrition. "Sore, are we?"

"Oh shut up," Alice said, trying to hide her grin.

"You so are!" Bella pointed accusingly. "You took him home, and you guys didn't come up for air all weekend, did you?"

"And it was so worth it!" Alice crowed, eyes shining with mischief and memories of an epic marathon of carnal fun. "I finally found a guy who has all the right equipment and knows how to use it. I could barely believe he was real."

Bella grinned at her friend's exuberance. "Edward and I were sure you guys would be at each other's throats."

"Ha! Yeah, we might've been, but his lips kinda got in the way. Too yum to be passed up," Alice shrugged.

"Soo…"

Alice cocked a brow. "What?"

"You guys meeting up again?" Bella asked, leaning forward. "Going on a date? Hooking up? Do we have a plan here?"

Alice chewed her lip and looked a little pensive. "I don't know that there is a 'we' right now. Or you know, ever."

"Uh, what now? Didn't you just spend the weekend together? And I thought you said he was good."

"He is."

"Oh wait, is it about his dick? Because I'm thinking we really need to modify our views about that stuff."

"Nope, nothing lacking there. He's plenty well endowed," Alice said with a suggestive eyebrow waggle.

"And he knows what to do with it, you say," Bella continued.

"He does. He really does." Alice's eyes went unfocused for a moment. "I'm the best kind of sore, and damn it, I can live with walking funny."

Bella snorted. "So why haven't you made plans?" Her eyes widened. "Oh hang on just a minute. Is it him? Is he a hit-it-and-quit-it kind of guy?"

"Not that I know of, no," Alice muttered, playing with a lock of her hair. "And he insisted on getting my number."

Bella tilted her head and leveled Alice with a look.

"It's me, ok," Alice whined. "I don't know if I can do this!"

"Do what? You already did him, and seem to have enjoyed it."

"I've got too much happening?" Alice suggested. "I'm busy… no time for a new relationship!"

Bella yawned and pretended to pluck at non-existent dirt in her nails.

Alice huffed and frowned at her friend.

Bella grinned back and poked at Alice's arm. "Alright, just tell me one thing about him that you don't like. Are his eyes too close-set? Is he too pushy and controlling in bed? There must be something."

"No!" Alice exclaimed. "That's just the problem. I can't figure out a single thing about him that I don't like, Bella. How is that possible? His eyes are perfect. His voice is perfect. His words, and the feeling I get when I am around him… it's all too perfect!"

"So you think he's faking something?"

Alice paused in her flailing. "Well, I really can't imagine him faking anything. He's a good person. Really direct. We spoke a lot last night, in between all the sex. Obviously I don't know _everything_ about him, but I really don't get the feeling that he's dishonest."

"Then why are we having this conversation?" Bella gestured around the room, as though at an invisible audience.

"Uh, hello, you were the one who forced me to talk," Alice pointed out, then groaned and put her head in her hands. "Ok fine, I know why you cornered me. But Jasper… Bella, even his dick is perfect! With Magic, you already know he's got a small cock."

"Ok, I'm not really keen on casting shade on Edward's dick, but go on."

"So, that's like an imperfection, right there. And you already know it, so now you can go ahead and get to know him and you won't be blindsided by it one fine day!"

"And Jasper's dick is not his imperfection, so you'll constantly be wondering what is, and then it'll suddenly appear?" Bella surmised. "That is such an odd stream of thought, by the way."

"Odd? You're odd. You're supposed to be my friend," Alice grumbled.

Bella patted her on the arm absently. "Hmmm, I do get why you'd like to find a flaw or two, though. Makes all the feelings easier to deal with, right?"

"Exactly," Alice nodded. "The power equation is completely out of whack right now. And he's a guy, not Thor, even though he kind of looks like a demigod." Her eyes went dreamy and unfocused for a moment.

Bella snickered. "And he's even got a hammer."

Alice looked at her and then they both pointed at their crotches with a synchronized "The hammer is my penis," before high-fiving.

"We should watch _Doctor Horrible_ again," laughed Alice. "We should totally do that. Tonight. What d'you say?"

It was Bella's turn to look skittish. "I might be busy. How about Wednesday after work?"

Alice's eyebrow touched her hairline. "You're busy on a Monday night?"

Bella shrugged and grinned. "I hope so. I hope to get busy like nobody's business."

"Well then I hope you get blessed by the Spouting Penis Gods of Bhutan," Alice intoned with an upraised hand, as though blessing her.

"The spouting what?" Bella cackled. "Is that something you just made up? Because the people in Bhutan will probably get mad if they hear you."

"Oy, you should know better. There really is this… wait, let me show you." A couple of quick clicks, and she turned her phone towards Bella.

"Holy genital glorification, it's legit!" Bella muttered in disbelief, grabbing the phone and scanning through the article… from the NY Times, no less! "Phallic art… painted on homes for good luck and fertility… wooden phallus hung above doorways. Fuck, this is awesome! Did you see these pictures? Cocks with hairy balls, spouting cum… we should frame this shit."

"Now, now, it's not about sex," chided Alice, wagging a finger. "Read this bit here… 'if this force is harnessed properly, it will fuel productivity and creativity rather than wanton lust'. Think about that the next time you see an erection."

"I'm sorry, but I rather liked that bit about wanton lust. I could be creative about my wanton lust." Bella paused. "Doesn't that sound just like wontons, though? Like someone had a fetish for Chinese food."

"Hey, it could happen," Alice said, pocketing her phone. "Food always wins over sex."

"Yeah? What did you eat for dinner last night?"

Alice narrowed her eyes, and Bella burst out laughing. "Right, high protein diet, I get it."

"Laugh it up," Alice said, fighting her own grin. "But don't pretend you don't want to order off the same menu."

She strutted out of the room leaving Bella gaping at the lewd insinuation.

"Damn her for being right," she huffed, midway between annoyance and amusement.

 **A/N: I made up the 'Secrets of the Serengeti', but a later search revealed that there actually exists a documentary by that name. Also, the Hammer comment comes from 'Dr. Horrible's Singalong Blog'. Look it up, it's got Neil Patrick Harris, Nathan Fillion, Felicia Day, and it's really funny. Oh, and penis art does decorate the houses of a village in Bhutan. It's all very pretty, which tells you the artists (men) probably love the subject, right? Do you suppose they use their own dick as a model or do they make drawings of what they wish their penis looked like?**


	10. Chapter 10

**10.**

"It's a wonderful day to be alive," Jasper said, smugly.

Edward rolled his eyes, not that his friend could see him through the phone. "Right, I guess your weekend went well."

"That's one way of putting it," he laughed. "Alice is unbelievable. The things we did, man…"

"Yeah, I don't need to know," Edward interrupted. "Just don't leave things messy, that's all. She's Bella's friend."

"Define messy."

"Jasper," Edward groaned.

His friend laughed. "I'm messing with you. It was great, and Alice is great. How was your weekend? Did you and Bella get to know each other better?" His tone dripped with innuendo.

"I spent the weekend with my grandma Cathy," Edward said flatly.

"Ouch! What was it this time? A parade of young women she wants you to marry, or was she in a religious state of mind?"

"Both," Edward laughed. "It was so fucking ridiculous, man. She dragged me to church, and spent the entire sermon pointing out 'suitable girls'. To listen to her talk, you'd think she was straight out of the 1800s or some shit."

"Why'd you even go?" Jasper asked. "She's not even your grandma, right? She's your mom's aunt or something."

"Ah, she's old," Edward sighed. "And years ago, she took care of mom when her folks died, so mom always insists I keep an eye on her now that she's all alone."

"So you were being good and I was being utterly fucking bad, so I guess there's balance in the universe," Jasper laughed.

"Stop rubbing it in, moron," Edward grumbled. "Besides, Bella and I were texting all weekend. I'm taking her out on a date tonight."

"It's Monday," Jasper said helpfully.

"And I'm not waiting a damn day longer to spend some time with her," Edward shrugged.

…

The thing about anticipation was that it made a girl hungry.

Bella quickly stuffed the mini cupcake into her mouth. One tiny cupcake wouldn't make a difference. Edward wouldn't know or care if she offered him one less.

Moaning a little at the burst of flavor on her tongue, she nestled into her comfortable couch. For a moment, her mind was blank to any thoughts that didn't concern the awesomeness of Marianne's cupcakes. They were so pretty with all the different colored frosting, and so light and delicious, not too sweet, the balance of flavors just right. Bella moaned again as she swallowed and licked her lips. She spent another long moment in nostalgic appreciation of the tiny piece of perfection she'd just held in her mouth.

Having made her ritual sacrifice of a few extra calories at the altar of the cupcake gods, her mind meandered to memories of the past weekend. Her lips twitched into a small smile as scenes from Friday night flashed through her mind. Time spent with her friends was guaranteed to be a whole lot of fun, but to have run into Edward there as well… she sighed happily. It had just made the evening a whole other level of perfect. Especially when she'd run into him a second time and he'd confessed to wanting to seek her out and talk to her again… and when it'd become clear that he really wasn't into guys. In fact, he'd all but confessed that he was into _her_!

Bella grinned and squirmed around in glee. Even now, three days later, that little fact made her want to dance.

So she did, wriggling her butt and tossing her hair around in time to the song pulsing around in her head. If it sounded suspiciously like _Who let the dogs out_ , well, there wasn't anyone around to judge anyway.

She was interrupted mid-twirl by a sharp ring on her buzzer. Grabbing a conveniently placed chair back, she managed to stay upright, taking a moment to catch her breath and try to calm her racing heart. When that didn't really work, she shrugged and dashed over to release the catch of the outside door.

Then she continued with her shimmy, because she was happy. In the time she estimated it would take him to reach her door, she snapped her fingers, did the moonwalk, and then sternly brought her bubbling glee mostly under control, remnants visible in the sparkle of her eyes and the slightly heightened color of her cheeks.

"Be cool," she reminded herself. Composed, calm and so ready for the date, she swung the door open… to an empty hallway. He clearly hadn't reached her landing, let along rung her bell. "So much for playing it cool," she chastised herself. "That was the opposite of cool. Infact, #facepalm, Bella!"

Shaking her head, she stepped back, but then paused. What was that sound? Peering cautiously around the doorjamb, she looked out to the left, and then to the right. Still nobody, but she could hear muted mumbling, shuffling and other unexplained noises from the stairwell.

Could it be?

Tiptoeing closer, she grinned to herself. Getting her stealth on twice in one day was definitely an unexpected treat.

She left her door slightly ajar, not wanting the slightest click to alert her unsuspecting quarry. She held her breath and peered around the edge of the wall. The coast was clear. She gently stepped down the stairs—picture a gazelle stepping on eggshells—approaching the bend with great caution.

She briefly regretted not having grabbed her handbag on her way out. She really would have loved to use the compact mirror trick around the curve of the stairs. Sighing regretfully (and silently) at the missed opportunity, she chanced a glance down the stairwell… and gave up on all her attempts at stealth. No more gazelle, she was more like the head of a herd of rampaging rhinos. Or maybe enraged elephants. No, she decided, that wasn't nearly sexy enough. She'd rather be a pissed off lioness. The scourge of the Serengeti. With that matter settled, she marched around the bend, looking down imperiously at the scene in front of her.

"What the hell is going on?" she demanded.

…

Edward was having a _great_ day. No really, it had been fantastic. Monday had tried it's best to be a pain, and failed. He'd been puked on, scratched, kicked in the gut, bitten and peed on, but had he been frazzled? Not at all. In fact, nothing could wipe the smile from his face.

He whistled as he dashed home to shower and change. He sang along to the songs on the radio as he drove to her apartment. He hummed happily as he chose a colorful bunch of flowers at the little florist's down the block from her place. He pressed the buzzer to her building, and skipped inside when the catch was released.

An old lady stood near the elevators, eyeing him up and down. Judging him, it felt like. He slowed his steps and approached at a more sedate pace.

"Good evening," he greeted, smiling politely.

"We'll see about that. Damn lift is taking too long," she complained in the querulous voice of the very old. "You, boy, help me up the stairs," she commanded, turning to the stairwell and beckoning him with a wave.

Nonplussed, Edward looked from the lift to the stairs a couple of times, before shrugging. He offered her his elbow, and she gripped it with bony fingers laden with rings. Her step was firm, her grip rather stronger than he'd expected from someone her age—she had to be at least eighty. Bella lived on the second floor, he recalled, smiling as they approached the first floor landing.

He wondered if she was as excited about this date as he was. His attraction to Bella had been almost instantaneous; he'd been unexpectedly drawn to the gorgeous aesthetician despite being in a situation that basically made his balls want to crawl up and hide. Which they actually did—fucking hair removal—until her proximity, the indefinable soft fragrance of her skin, and the firm pressure of her hands all over his dick brought him to the brink of exploding. Thankfully, she'd saved him from embarrassing himself in front of her. But he had still been mortified, especially because he was sure she knew it barely took him five seconds to come all over the tissues she had so helpfully supplied him with.

He shifted a little uncomfortably as his dick woke up at the memory.

He looked up the stairs longingly, wishing the old lady would shuffle along a little faster. In his abstraction, he didn't notice the way his companion peeked up and down the stairs. Then, moving quicker than he could have anticipated, she shoved him up against the wall.

"Wha…" He barely had his mouth open to protest, before she was plastered up against his chest.

"Hush, boy," she commanded. "You're not as muscular as the last guy they sent, but you're definitely prettier. You'll do. Now bend a little so I can see if you know how to kiss."

Edward gulped and stretched away from where she was bracing her hands on his shoulders, trying to jump up to reach his face. Holding out the hand that held Bella's flowers, he used the other to try to push her away, but she had a death grip on his shirt. He was sure he heard a tiny rip when he tried to pry her fingers off.

"Look, ma'am, I don't know what you're thinking," he panted, "But could you just step back, please."

"So polite," she cooed, dragging one stubby nail down along his jaw. "I'm going to have so much fun with you."

"Look, you're… I'm not…"

The woman ignored him, jumping up and down again, trying to reach his lips. She reminded him of those annoying yipping-yapping little dogs at his practice. But it was easy to deal with animals. This woman was a whole other zoo. At his wit's end, he started trying to beat her off with the flowers he still clutched in his hand.

"What the hell is going on?"

He turned his head, and his heart raced. Bella stood at the head of the stairs, arms firmly planted on her hips, eyes narrowed.

This was not going to be pretty.

 **A/N: So, have you heard about the Babies at the Border compilation? Over a hundred authors are contributing stories, and all you need to do to get at it is contribute ten dollars to any of a list of charities... you can get all the details over at their facebook page. Just search for 'Babies at the Border fiction compilation' when you sign in to facebook, and you can find all the info. It's a very important cause, and this is a small way we can contribute.**


	11. Chapter 11

**11.**

The old lady had gumption, Bella conceded.

The minute she'd heard Bella's voice, the woman had gone from jumping at Edward to swooning in his arms. The poor man clearly didn't know what to do with her, holding her awkwardly by the arm while angling his body as far away as he could.

Bella tried to hide her amusement as she hurried down the steps.

"Oh, Bella, is that you?" the lady asked in a feeble voice. "Don't worry about me, dear. I was feeling faint, but this nice young man offered to see me home. It's just down the hall. We'll be alright." She not so surreptitiously jabbed him in the side, making him jump.

Edward's face scrunched up in the universal expression for 'Hell no!' but before he could say a word, Bella stepped in.

"Oh no, Mrs. Pearce, I insist," she said, grabbing the old lady's free arm. Winking at Edward, she tilted her head towards the door leading to the first floor apartments. "I know you always have a nasty word or two for me, but that's just pure concern, right?"

The woman sputtered, "Why, I never…"

"Oh, not at all!" Bella laughed gaily. "It keeps things real. Reminds me not to go by appearances. Can you imagine what I'd have thought I just saw otherwise?"

The woman went red, nostrils flaring. She looked about thirty seconds away from hulking out. After everything he had gone through in the last ten minutes or so, Edward didn't want to risk something like that actually happening.

"Is this the place?" he asked hurriedly, as they came to a stop. "We should leave you to rest, ma'am. I'm sure your… the guy… uhh, whoever you were expecting... you won't want us around for that."

Bella bit back a laugh. "Shouldn't we at least take her in?"

The old lady gasped and tried to get between Bella and her door, barring the way. "No, no, get going you meddlesome little…"

"What you trying to hide, anyway?" Bella asked, casually leaning against the wall. "Do you have chains and handcuffs in there? Are you into kinky stuff?"

Edward's chuckle died a quick death under the old lady's evil glare.

"What? We're just making conversation, being neighborly," Bella protested.

"So go be neighborly on your own floor," the old lady grumbled. "You just about ruined my evening already; now go away."

Edward grabbed Bella's hand before she could rile up the woman any further. "We'll do that, ma'am. It was… uh… nice meeting you," he said, not sounding too sure about it. "I'm sure your guest will be around soon. The night is still young, and all that…right?"

Mrs. Pearce's grumpy face melted into a lascivious smile, and she reached out to pat Edward's retreating ass. "Same goes for you, pretty boy. You know where to find me when this hussy can't do it for you."

Edward snorted, grabbing Bella around the waist before she could leap at the old woman. "I'm pretty sure that's not going to be a problem."

Back in the stairwell of unexpected mauling, Edward set Bella down and blinked at her in disbelief.

"That was…"

"Fun, right?" Bella winked at him with a grin. "I bet you've never had a date this entertaining before."

"You could say that again."

"You still want to come up, or…" she looked away, biting her lip uncertainly.

"Bella," he whispered, raising her chin with a finger. "When you walked down those stairs and saved me from the horny old lady… it was the sexiest thing I've ever seen. Kind of made me want to…"

"What?" she asked, leaning closer, her hands inching their way up his chest.

His arms circled her waist, pulling her firmly up against his body. She barely had time to gasp, before his warm lips covered her own, tongue and teeth making themselves known.

It was as though they landed in the middle of a kiss, skipping all the tentative tasting and touching to get right down to all the heat and passion and want.

She leaned against the wall and his thigh pressed up between her legs. Their hips moved in a desperate dance to get closer, their lips and tongues mimicking the thrust and tug, while their hands grasped and touched and stroked till they were breathless and thoughtless, wild with desire, craving more.

They broke apart, panting for air, but unwilling to let go. His lips skimmed her cheek and jaw, down the side of her neck, till he rested his forehead on her sternum, admiring the best view in the world—the valley between her breasts. He swept his tongue out for a taste, making her shiver.

Raising his head slightly, he dragged a finger along the edge of the deep v of her dress. She nodded and his finger slipped beneath the cloth to caress the softness of her skin. He groaned and tugged the top of her dress aside, taking a moment to admire the sight of her uncovered breast. Then he gave in to the compulsion to suck on the hard pink nipple that was practically crying out his name.

Stunned and so turned on she couldn't think straight, Bella was dragged under by the tide of pleasure. Her head thrown back, eyes shut, she could focus on nothing beyond the sensation of his lips and teeth on her skin. She pressed closer, and her hips met his again. A tremor ran through her entire body, echoed by the unmistakable shudder that shook him.

"Oh helloo…." a cheerful voice called out. "The old bird told me to meet her in the stairwell, but I didn't realize it was like, a regular make out point. Oh shit, do we have to take time slots or something?"

Scrambling to tug her clothes into place, Bella barely registered the interloper's words. Edward, on the other hand, was swinging wildly between wanting to hit him for interrupting them, and laughing at the poor sucker for what he was in for with the awful old lady.

The woman in his arms, and his rather painful hard-on decided the matter for him.

"Yup you missed your slot at the stairwell of sex," he said, ushering Bella quickly up the stairs. "You'll probably have to call her 'mistress' and take a whipping or something. Or you could just make a run for it, man."

They didn't wait to hear his response, running up the last few steps and down the hallway to Bella's door, which was still partially open.

She pulled him in and shut the door. The two of them leaned up against opposite walls in her entryway, catching their breath and trying not laugh.

"I brought you flowers," he said after a moment. "But I'm afraid they're decorating the stairwell at the moment."

"The stairwell of sex," she said, and dissolved into giggles. Edward chuckled, and leaned in for a brief kiss.

Before they could get lost in the haze of desire that surrounded them thick as a fog, he backed away.

"Quite a start to our date, huh?" she commented, biting her lip.

"It's definitely different from the usual," he agreed, grinning. "So, what happens next?"

 **A/N: What, indeed?**


	12. Chapter 12

**12.**

Bella faced tough choices ever day.

For instance:

Style or comfort? (The decision could go either way)

Eat that last chocolate or save it for the morning? (Maybe just buy a new box tomorrow)

Walk the long way or take the shortcut through the dodgy alley? (The safe route, always the safe route!)

Pay the bills like a responsible adult or blow up all your savings on a wild, impromptu trip with strangers? (Oh wait, that wasn't her; that was her mother. The one whose debt she'd been working her ass off to repay)

And then, there were choices that felt a whole lot more important. Simple words that made her breath hitch and her heart pound.

"So, what happens next?" he asked, so casual, so cool, as though they hadn't just shared the hottest make-out session of her entire life… As though he wasn't offering her a carte blanche of sexual delights! At least, she hoped he was.

Taking a steadying breath, she considered the facts as she knew them.

One, she was pretty sure Edward would be more than willing to take her to bed and keep her there for an indeterminate amount of time, if she wanted.

Two, she really wanted to.

Three, she was craving cupcakes.

Cupcakes or Edward?

Cupcakes… _and_ Edward?

She smiled, stepped closer, and hooked a finger in his belt loop. "Want a cupcake?"

He blinked. "What?" From the dazed look on his face, he had been hoping they were on their way to pretty epic first date sex, but… cupcakes? "Uh, sure."

She turned and walked towards the kitchen.

"Hey, Bella," he called. She looked back at him, cheeks flushed and hair a little disheveled. "That's not a euphemism for something else, right?"

She grinned and winked. "You'll just have to wait and see, won't you?" Laughing, she swung back into the kitchen.

Edward blinked, grinned and adjusted his inconvenient erection. This business of constant arousal around Bella would take some getting used to.

"I'll have you know, that's actually a thing," he declared, joining her at the counter.

"What's a thing?" she asked, distracted by the sight of the perfect mini cupcakes that she was now unveiling.

"Cupcake euphemisms," he said, casually walking his fingers closer to the platter.

She swatted his hand away. "You're making that up."

"What if I can prove I'm not?" He leaned closer, eyes locked on hers.

She leaned in as well. "Well, then I guess you can have anything you want."

His eyes traced her face in a slow, hungry perusal, dipping down to the hint of cleavage so beautifully framed by the deep neckline of her dress. She swallowed, suddenly breathless at the naked lust in his gaze.

"I'll hold you to that," he said, sitting back on the stool and tapping on his phone casually. Bella gaped at him in disbelief.

"Wha… you just… hey!"

He looked up all innocence, but his eyes betrayed just how much he was enjoying this game.

"So, cupcake euphemisms…"

"That isn't really a thing, Edward."

"Eating your muffin?" he read from his phone with a wicked grin. "Ooh, how about 'stuffin your muffin'? Oh here's a new one… cupcakes as another name for your sweet ass cheeks." He winked, laughing at her disgusted expression. "Oh, here they use it for breasts." He nodded approvingly.

"Hah! You like that one, I can see," Bella teased.

"Well it makes a lot more sense," he said. "Think about it… soft pink cupcakes with cherries on top."

She snapped her fingers in front of his face, making him blink and come back to earth. "I don't know whether to be glad or sad that I don't have any of those today," she sniggered.

The crease of his smile teased her. "You sure you aren't hiding a pair somewhere?"

"Edward!" she exclaimed, smacking his shoulder in admonishment. She couldn't quite hold in her giggles, though.

"What, it's true," he insisted cheekily. "Anyway, I won."

She sighed. "Alright. What do you want as a prize?"

"I'm sure I'll think of something," he promised. "But first, how about that cupcake?"

"Oh, I have a better idea."

 **…**

She moaned, her eyes fluttering shut.

"I think you missed a spot," he said critically.

She paused, shrugged, and licked her lips. Then she leaned in again, her pink tongue peeking out to faithfully follow the ridges and contours of the head while her palm caressed the shaft. Groaning with want, she opened her mouth to take it all in.

"Careful," he cautioned, stroking her hair back from her face. "Don't choke on it."

"Mmmmmm" she hummed, eyes fluttering shut in sheer pleasure.

Edward groaned and shifted. His usually modest dick was most definitely making its presence felt. In fact, his arousal was now bordering on uncomfortable, and every little thing Bella did was just adding to the torture.

"Oh wow, that was the best cupcake ever!" Bella exclaimed, licking her fingers, eyes still glazed with pleasure. Edward didn't know if he'd survive another demonstration like that last one. "Alright, your turn. Strip or Dare?" she asked with a sultry smile.

"Strip," he declared, jumping up and standing with arms outstretched. He was feeling rather overheated. "Okay, so what do you want me to take off?"

Bella tapped her finger on her lips, mentally patting herself on the back for her ingenious idea of introducing Edward to the best game ever. Strip or Dare was the fun version of Truth or Dare that she and Alice had come up with during one of their many, many nights of drunken revelry. The rules were simple. If you chose 'strip', you had to take off whatever piece of clothing the other person asked you to. If you chose 'dare', well, that was kind of self explanatory.

Since Alice and Bella were both smart girls, they usually made it into a drinking game… Strip-Drink-Dare-Drink…

The drink today was cupcakes.

"I think you should take off… your jeans," she declared.

Edward didn't waste a moment, tugging them off and nearly falling to the floor, but finding his balance at the last moment.

Bella laughed at his eagerness, and felt a little shimmy of pleasure go up her spine at the sight of his very obvious erection. She tried not to be too blatant with the ogling, but the truth was, she was kind of fascinated by his dick. A while back, it was nowhere in the picture, and then… bam! There it was, just like a fucking superhero with a cape.

Or a super happy dick in boxers. She wondered if it'd look weird if she tried to cape it. It was a magic dick anyway, so it would probably just shrink and escape the costume if it didn't like it. Like Houdini.

Houdini-dick.

Houdicki.

She hid her chuckle with great effort. She'd have to remember that one for Alice.

Edward sat back on the couch with a sigh of relief and reached for his prize. "Wow, you were right," he moaned, swallowing a bite. "These are so good!"

"As good as having your jeans off?" she asked, her eyes still stuck on his lap.

"Almost," Edward smirked. "I gotta admit, this isn't something I'm bothered by a whole lot, but anytime I'm around you…"

"What?" Bella demanded, her attention now torn between his handsome face and the inviting bulge between his legs. "What happens when I'm around you?"

"Every time I'm around you, I just can't help but notice how pervy you act," he said, laughing at the look on her face. "Not that I mind, you know, but my eyes are up here."

"Yeah, yeah," she huffed. "I know, Houdicki only has one eye."

"Hou.. what?"

"Uh… hey, want a cupcake?"

"Bellllaaaa…."

She hid her face in her hands. "Can't I just lose some clothes instead?" she asked hopefully.

He quirked a brow and pretended to think about it. "Sure, lose the bra."

"Without removing my dress first?" She grinned. "Like Rachel in that episode of Friends?"

"But hotter," he said decisively.

"Oh yeah," she agreed, sticking her chest out and reaching back to unsnap the catch of her strapless bra from over her dress. A slight wiggle, then she reached down the front and tugged it out, swinging it briefly on a finger before tossing it away.

"So much hotter," he said in a hushed, almost reverent tone.

"God, that feels good!" she exclaimed, stroking over her breasts. Edward quickly wiped away the drool that had escaped his open mouth.

"It's only fair," he said, trying to think of words beyond 'boobs, boobs, tits, nipples, and cherry cupcakes'. A little effort, and he managed to add 'sweet, soft, lick, and squeeze' to the list. "You helped me out of a tight situation, as well." He gestured vaguely towards his lap.

"I'm just glad you didn't ask me to take off my panties," she confided, leaning in closer and distracting him completely with the suggestive sway of her tits. "Cause I'm not wearing any."

He groaned and squeezed his eyes shut, clamping a hand down on his erection. Spontaneous eruption once in her presence was bad enough… twice would be mortifying. A little pre-cum had leaked out, but he breathed easier once he knew he wasn't at the cusp of coming anymore.

"Hey Edward," she said, not having missed a moment of his admittedly hot struggle. "Your turn now. Strip or Dare?"

They weren't touching, weren't even really in each other's space, but the air between them fairly vibrated with the tension of staying apart.

"Dare," he whispered.

Her slow smile was all the dare he needed.

He could have sworn sparks flew when their lips met this time.

 **A/N:** It's been so long! But lots of things have happened, so that's always good.

Let's see... I contributed 4 chapters of a new fic to the Babies at the Border compilation. It's a fantastic collection, for such a good cause, and I hope a lot of you are enjoying the stories! For those who haven't heard of it, or couldn't get to it, the authors are free to post sometime in December. So, yeah... new story coming up then.

I'll be wrapping up TMD before that, so enjoy the ride!


	13. Chapter 13

**13.**

Bella felt weightless, formless, free of thought or fear in that moment. The contentment she felt was so complete she forgot all about space and time as well. The only reality she could comprehend was Edward, his lips, his hands, his body, and the way she felt when she was so close to him.

She needed to get closer.

Panting, gasping, yet loath to let go of the other, they shifted and nudged, pulling and arching their bodies, till with a squeak and a thump they landed on the floor.

"Ow," Edward moaned, rubbing the back of his head with a hand. The other hand cradled Bella close.

"Oh my God, Edward," she whispered in mortification. She tried to roll off his body, but he wasn't letting go, and they ended up rolling awkwardly back and forth in the space between the couch and coffee table.

"We end up like this a lot, you know," he commented, when they finally stopped wriggling around. "Like that day at the bar."

She giggled. "You do offer the most amazingly comfortable landings."

He frowned. "Are you implying that I'm _soft_ , Ms Swan?"

Shifting her hips against his, she pretended to think about that. "I wouldn't call it _soft_ , exactly."

"No?" he smirked.

"Well, it feels…" She spread herself out over his body and starfished a bit, banged her hand on the coffee table and nearly slipped off him. "Ow. You know, it's obvious the world is out to get me. All these dangerous floors and tables and things, just waiting to bruise me. If it weren't for you, I'd be sore all the time!"

"Like my butt right now," he grimaced.

"Oh shit! Come on, let's get off the floor." She scrambled up and held out a hand to him. "Turn around, let me see. It doesn't hurt too bad, does it?"

She pushed up his t-shirt to rub up his back, and he obliged by dragging it off and tossing it onto the couch.

"How does it look?" he asked, trying to ignore the way her light touch on his skin turned him on.

"From here it's looking pretty damn good," she murmured. Her hand dipped down to rub over his ass. "How about here?"

Turning around to face her, he shrugged. "Well, it is a bit sore…"

"I have just the thing for it. Come with me," she said, grabbing his hand and pulling him along to her bedroom. "Alice found this fantastic massage oil."

"Have you ever tried it before?" he asked.

"Not yet," she confessed. "Never really had the chance to, since I got it."

He chuckled as they came to a stop by her bed. "If you'd let me, I could make you sore. Then I could use the massage oil on you."

She snorted with laughter. "You're such a romantic, Edward!"

"What can I say," he grinned. "You seem to inspire me."

For a moment, they both stood there beaming at each other. Then, giving in to the inevitable tug of their own personal gravity, they shared a soft kiss. Then another, and another, until they were once again lost in desire, aware of nothing beyond their need for the other.

His hands bunched the skirt of her dress, tugging it higher, till he could reach for the smooth skin of her thigh. She shivered in response, taking a quick moment to help him unzip her, then shrug out of it.

He ran a finger over her exposed body, tracing the shape of her shoulders, the swell of her breasts, the way her waist narrowed and flared out to curvy hips. He paused at her belly button, then danced his fingers down to the crease of her thigh, circling over to the other side, tantalizing her with every touch, but never close enough to satisfy her.

Bella was so focused on the path of his hands on her body, on the anticipation, and making sure her legs didn't give way, that she could hardly breathe. Fortunately for her shaky balance, he stepped back and nodded to the bed.

"Yes!" she exclaimed, scrambling to the centre of the bed in an undignified flap of arms and legs. Rethinking the sexy-factor of that performance, she then tried to salvage the situation by adopting an alluring pin-up pose, stretching one arm above her head and reclining gracefully on her side.

Edward blinked and shook his head. The pace at which this evening had progressed was enough to make a man's head spin, and add to that a very sexy, naked Bella… he could barely comprehend it all.

She smiled and crooked a finger at him, and he decided he didn't need to comprehend anything beyond the fact that she wanted him.

The next few minutes were a blur. There may have been a hundred sexual things they wanted to try out, but for now they could not get enough of simply touching and kissing each other. Gentle touches grew more frantic, soft and sweet kisses turned more desperate, until…

"Ow!"

"Shit! Shit... what did I do? Did I kick you? I kicked something," Bella froze mid-hump.

He squeezed his eyes shut, gasping in pain and trying to hold her in place at the same time.

"Cramp," he explained breathlessly. She evaded his grasp and immediately moved down to examine his limbs. "Right thigh," he hissed as she firmly kneaded the tense muscle. "Shit," he breathed as the pain subsided. "How's that for a buzzkill?"

She didn't immediately reply, making him squint an eye open. While he'd been catching his breath and berating his stupid muscles, she'd reached into her bedside table and emerged with…

"Is that the massage oil?" he asked, intrigued. Maybe he hadn't ruined things after all.

She smirked, making it slightly harder for him to breathe. He hadn't been expecting her smile to give such a kick to his heart, that's for sure.

"I did promise you I'd help with that soreness, didn't I?" she said, popping the lip open. "We got these samples a while back. It's supposed to be really good. But…" she blinked innocently, "I wouldn't want to ruin your… uh, clothes. Why don't you take it all off?"

Edward laughed outright at her grin and stood to remove his 'clothing', which at that point consisted of just his boxer briefs.

Bella covertly eyed Houdicki, who seemed to wink at her hopefully.

When Edward placed a knee on the bed, his cock bounced and Bella couldn't hold back any longer. Abandoning the massage oil at her bedside table, she shimmied across the bed till she was within licking distance.

Edward's startled laugh brought her back to reality before she could do something really crazy, like start talking to his dick.

"Well, lie down," she instructed. "Don't just stand there."

Edward did as she instructed, though he really wanted to tease her about her obvious fascination with his dick. Still, he was a smart man and knew how to hold his tongue. And also how to use it, but he knew there was time for that. He couldn't help but fantasize about how she'd taste and feel when he went down on her.

She blew his fantasies straight out of the stratosphere the moment she brought her slick, warm hands down on his thigh and began massaging the muscles with firm strokes.

Bella observed with satisfaction as the stiff muscles of his thigh softened, followed by a different kind of tensing. Houdicki, in particular seemed to be stiffening a little more with each stroke… and she hadn't even touched him there yet. With a wicked grin, she leaned forward and let her warm breath blow over it.

Edward groaned and his dick jumped.

Bella reached for a little more of the massage oil, rubbed her hands together to warm it, and started massaging the other thigh. Edward's abs clenched deliciously and his hips jerked a time or two, until she finally brought her hands to his dick.

"Well, this is kind of familiar," she said with a wink, as she began moving her hands along his shaft. "I've been wanting to do a proper job of it since the first day I met you."

Edward half laughed, half groaned. "I was so mortified. You barely touched me, and I practically came all over the place."

"Well, not really, but I hope to change that today," she said, moving her attention to the foreskin. "Wow, this is like a snuggie for your dick." She fisted Houdicki and started moving her hand, watching as the head appeared and disappeared, while the shaft seemed to harden and lengthen, the more she worked it. It was fascinating in a way dicks hadn't really been since she had been a teenager with her first boyfriend.

Bella licked her lips in anticipation, but Edward stopped her. Shifting around till he was face to face with her (though her hand refused to leave Houdicki), he kissed her hard, his glazed eyes proof of how close she had brought him to the edge.

"I have to be inside you now," he groaned. "I need you. Please."

She nodded and kissed him back, then watched avidly as he suited up and positioned himself above her. He kissed her sweetly as he entered her, the intimacy of the moment making her heart swell. Then he started moving to a quick, measured rhythm, and her eyes fluttered shut.

His hands moved restlessly over her body, as though he couldn't get enough of her. He sucked and tugged at her breasts, noticing how she grunted in pleasure when he grabbed her ass, and how she ground her hips closer to his when he pulled on her hair. He found her mesmerizing, and besides, focusing on her reactions made it possible for him stave off his impending orgasm.

She couldn't have said how long she lasted… it seemed an endless rush of pleasure since he started thrusting, and yet Bella had never been driven to the edge so quickly in her life. But then again, none of her previous lovers had found her g-spot with such unerring accuracy either. And the way he stimulated her entire body… she really didn't stand a chance. Her orgasm rushed over her in an almighty wave of pleasure so intense that she could hardly breathe. Thankfully, Edward followed soon after, because she wasn't sure her body could have taken much more stimulation right then.

The moment Edward disposed of the condom, he dropped back to bed and pulled her close.

"You cuddle?" she teased.

"No," he said haughtily. "But I'm letting _you_ cuddle."

She laughed, too blissed out to argue with that. Plus, she really liked the way he was stroking his fingers through her hair.

Snuggling closer, her hip bumped up against his, and she looked down. Much reduced from his earlier exertions, Houdicki lay spent against Edward's thigh… not as tiny as when she had first come across it, but nothing like the orgasmator that had pounded her into heaven just a few minutes ago.

"It's so fascinating," she mused.

"What is?"

"Houdicki," she said, before freezing and biting her lip. "I mean, your dick."

His lips twitched, but he didn't give in to his smile. "Really? How's that?"

She squirmed a little uncomfortably, but he didn't let her go. "Well, it's just that in books, and well, porn, the hero is ridiculously well hung, you know? And seems to give all the best orgasms too. So Alice and I, we kind of got into this mindset where we figured that might be what we wanted. But then you walked in, and well, first of all, you have this super deceptive dick that can just magically grow bigger or smaller, and it's fascinating. And then, when you pushed in, I could feel the girth, and holy mother… you just knew what to do to me, and I don't even know how you made me come so quick. I mean there's usually a fair bit of uncomfortable thrusting and like, sometimes you have to tell the guy to just go slow because it freaking hurts! But today was this perfect sexual experience and I'm going to shut up now."

She tried to hide her face under a pillow, but Edward didn't let her. She tried to grab his pillow instead, but he grabbed her by the waist and pulled her over him, which led to a tickling match of epic proportions, till he finally pinned her down, both of them laughing and out of breath.

"So, let me get this straight," he said. "I'm basically the best you've ever had, yeah?"

She grinned and nodded.

"I'm glad my dick fascinates you. I'm all about penis positivity," he continued. "Please feel free to explore any time. He's rather fond of your attention, as you might've noticed."

She rewarded him with a kiss and added a tug and squeeze to Houdicki, who predictably half-jumped to attention.

"Fuck, yeah," he grunted. "But I think it's only fair I get some alone time with your pussy as well. Fairplay and all."

He didn't leave much scope for discussion, already kissing his way down her body as he spoke. Spreading her legs wide, he had just settled in with a preliminary suck to her clit, when all hell broke loose.

They both jerked upright, somehow managing not to butt heads or fall off the bed.

"What the fuck is that?" he asked, as an awful wailing sound reverberated through the apartment.

"Fire alarm!" She looked at him with wide eyes, before they quickly grabbed whatever clothes they could find and rushed out.


	14. Chapter 14

14.

Edward was almost at the door when he realized that Bella wasn't with him anymore. He spun around and was promptly whacked in the face with his jeans.

"Thanks," he called out, having just realized that he was quite naked.

"I know we gotta hurry out, but I'm not letting anyone else ogle that ass," Bella panted as she jogged up to him, pulling on a sweatshirt over the yoga pants she had somehow donned in the three seconds since they'd heard the fire alarm. Edward couldn't help but be impressed by her ability to multitask.

"You're amazing, you know that?" he asked, zipping up the jeans and grabbing her hand. Together, they hurried down the staircase, barely pausing in their dash to side-eye the site of their epic first kiss.

They were halfway down the last set of stairs when they heard a door slam somewhere on the first-floor, followed by a screech and clatter of footsteps behind them. Just as they reached solid ground, a tall body wrapped in some kind of leather and feather get-up pushed past, rushing out of the building.

Steadying each other, Edward and Bella followed the weird apparition out into the chilly night. The other residents of the apartment building huddled about, disheveled and concerned, while a couple of police officers kept the onlookers at bay. Edward held Bella close as the fire engine drew up.

They watched with rapt attention as the firefighters rapidly assessed the situation. From where they stood, they could actually see smoke billowing out of one of the apartments on the first floor. Bella shivered and cuddled closer to Edward's chest… his bare chest.

"Edward!" she exclaimed, drawing back. "You'll get cold. We should find you something…" She rubbed up and down his back, but he just laughed.

"Relax, Bella. I'm ok. This isn't too bad," he soothed her. "Besides, if I get too cold, I have you to warm me up."

Bella laughed softly at the wicked twinkle in his eye. "I don't know if that'd be really effective, Edward."

"What, you think you couldn't?"

"Oh, I know I could… but then those guys," she thumbed over at the police, "would probably have to arrest us for public indecency." The thought didn't stop her from rubbing up against him, of course.

He grinned and started to say something in return… probably something dirty, Bella thought, judging by the way she could feel Houdicki waking up and lengthening through his jeans. Unfortunately, their moment was interrupted by a panicked voice close by.

"Oh shit! The old bird is still up there! She's the one who started the fire, but… she isn't here. She's still in the apartment!"

Edward and Bella turned and saw that a strange man in leather chaps and what looked like a purple feather boa was gesticulating wildly and babbling incoherently.

"Isn't that the guy…" Edward frowned.

"Who pushed past us on the stairs? Yeah, he is. I remember the feathers."

"No, I mean, yeah, you're right," said Edward, "But isn't he the guy the old lady was waiting for?"

Bella's eyes grew big. "The feathers distracted me, but… does that mean she's the one responsible for this?"

Edward shrugged. "Looks like it. Makes me wonder, though."

"Wonder what?"

"What kind of kink she's into," he said, watching as a couple of firefighters ran into the building, while another held the feathered guy in place. "Also, what is that guy trying to do? I thought he was going to faint, but now it looks like he's trying to run away or something."

"Maybe he just realized that this is his chance to escape from slutty Gran," Bella offered, before slapping a hand over her mouth. "Oh man, that was horrible. I didn't mean to say something so…"

Edward nudged her with a smile. "For what it's worth, I doubt if she'd mind that title. She seemed to be pretty adventurous."

Bella snorted. "Yeah, I wonder what she was up to, setting the place on fire."

"Maybe she was just cooking the poor guy some dinner and something caught fire."

"Maybe she was making _him_ cook… in those weird-ass chaps… and he deliberately set something on fire and ran."

"So where's she now?" Edward asked.

"Oh God, Edward, do you think the guy knocked her out to get away from her?"

"You're really into that idea, aren't you?" he teased. "It's a lot more likely that she was into bondage and pain play." At her quizzically raised eyebrow, he said, "You know, like dripping hot wax, that kind of thing?"

"You know a lot about that kind of stuff?" she purred, stroking his back with her fingertips. He shivered and tried to adjust his growing dick.

Luckily no one saw him, because at that moment a kicking and screaming old woman was carried out by a burly firefighter. The moment they were clear of the building, he set her down and stepped a good four feet away from her.

"Ma'am, please calm down," he said warily. "We need to assess if you're hurt."

"I'll show you hurt," the old lady screeched. "Where is that no-good, spineless… aha! There you are."

Chaps-and-feathers tried his best to hide behind some stunned bystanders, but they shuffled away quickly, leaving him exposed.

The old lady glared at him, quite a sight in her vivid purple spangled bodysuit. Her hair was mussed up, eye make-up a mess, and something suspiciously like furry handcuffs hung from one wrist.

"Oh shit," whispered Edward, eyes wide. "Looks like we weren't too far off the mark."

"The kinky old dame is going to get herself in trouble," Bella said, shaking her head at the trainwreck in front of them.

Sure enough, the woman was trying to grab at the ridiculous feather boa, while the guy sidestepped her like it was a dance. A police officer stood at one side with his mouth wide open and a horrified expression on his face. The fire fighter who had carried the woman out stood there with a longsuffering expression on his face, before grabbing the woman in one arm and the man in the other.

"Stop, please." His deep, commanding voice made the two pause. "I'm going to put you both down now, and I expect you to stay put. Answer when you are spoken to, and stop wasting our time."

Edward sniggered and Bella had to muffle her giggles in his chest, when they saw the old lady grab the fire fighter's butt.

 **…**

"You have got to be kidding me," Alice exclaimed. She crammed a donut hole into her mouth and chewed like her life depended on it.

"I'm serious. Then the hot firefighter warned her again, but she pretended she was deaf or something, and kept trying to feel him up. It was pretty embarrassing to watch, actually," Bella shuddered in remembered horror.

"No way! How do people get away with this shit?"

Bella shrugged. "She's just lucky they didn't book her for molestation or something."

"How about the fire?" Mike piped up.

"Oh, luckily it wasn't much of a fire. Apparently some feathers and clothing caught fire and smoked up the place, setting off the alarm. The guy ran out when the fire alarm went off, but she stayed."

"Why would she stay in the apartment?" Alice asked, frowning. "So weird."

"Edward is convinced she was locking away any incriminating… items," Bella smirked.

Alice and Mike exchanged a glance.

"Oh, Edward thought so, huh?" Mike asked casually.

"Would he know a lot about such… incriminating items?" Alice added, even more casually.

Bella rolled her eyes at them. "Seriously, guys?"

"It's important to know what kind of kink you're getting into," Mike said, patting her on the head. "You'll learn soon enough. Just don't let him video you unless you have incriminating pics for counter-threats, alright."

"Oohkay," Bella said warily. "I'll keep that in mind, though I really don't think…"

Alice let out a sudden laugh, startling the other two. "Oh God! We don't need to worry about that, Mike. Look at this."

"What?" Bella craned her neck to get a look at whatever it was they were looking at on Alice's phone.

"Girrrrl," Mike cackled. "I thought Magic wasn't hung. What's all this VPL I'm looking at right now?"

"You're making no sense, Mike," Bella grumbled, grabbing the phone. Then she gasped, because Alice had apparently been stalking Edward's Instagram posts.

The picture he'd put up was from late last night… her and Edward against a hazy backdrop of firefighters. He was bare-chested, she was in her loose sweatshirt, and they were both looking at each other, laughing. He'd asked one of her neighbors to take their picture. A reminder of the best first date ever, he'd said. She couldn't hold back her cheesy grin at the memory of just how amazing it had been. He had stayed with her after they'd all been allowed back into the apartment building, and just thinking of his kiss goodbye this morning made her shiver with pleasure.

"What VPL? I'll have you know I wasn't even wearing underwear. No visible panty lines to be seen. Move on." She giggled, wondering what Edward would have made of their conversation.

"Visible _penis_ line, honey," Mike said. "Lookie here, you can clearly see the way his jeans are bunched all uncomfortable-like, and there's his very visible dick."

"Is that a new term?" Alice asked, peering over Bella's shoulder. "I thought it's called a moose knuckle."

"Stop being gross, guys," Bella said, though now that they had pointed it out, she couldn't really tear her eyes away from it either. The fabric of his jeans looked really stretched and bunched up around his crotch, and she could practically see…"Wow, Houdicki does look like he's trying to break free."

"He looks like a regular salami smuggler," Alice nodded.

"Girls, no need to get your panties in a twist over a guy's mangina," Mike said airily, before cackling uncontrollably.

"Ewww! No way, I'm not letting you call it… that. Ew, no!" Bella protested.

"Well, either way, your man might want to be more careful of his double-ohs and seven. That bulge makes it look like he has more ammunition than his holster can carry. Hey, can I call him 'Bond, James Bond' from now on?" Alice and Mike high-fived, while Bella rolled her eyes.

"Is this a meeting of the secret society of weiner-watchers?" Edward's voice jolted the three of them, and they spun around to see him leaning against the door to the break room.

"Edward!" Bella couldn't help but smile at the sight of the man. She practically flew into his arms.

He hugged her close and waved at Alice and Mike, who were looking kind of sheepish. "The penis police probably have a point, sweetheart. When I'm around you, it's likely safer not to wear flat fronts."

"Hi Edward, we were just… going to go… work, you know," Alice stammered, pushing a reluctant Mike along.

"Yeah, ok, we're going," Mike said, rolling his eyes. "Nice picture, by the way. Clearly you have gone from a grower to a shower!"

"Mike!" Bella growled.

"It's ok, sweetheart," Edward laughed. "I got over all that back in high school. Penis positivity, remember?"

"Nice catch phrase. So, you post pics of all your first dates?" Mike persisted, ignoring Bella's glares.

"No, I don't. But this wasn't just any first date, was it?" Edward commented, leaning down to kiss Bella on the cheek.

"It wasn't?" Bella squeaked, then cleared her throat. "I mean, it felt like more."

"A lot more," he agreed, turning so her hands rested on his chest. He gently pulled her closer. The way he looked at her, Bella forgot they had an audience. "Kind of felt like the beginning of the rest of my life."

"Oh swoon!" Mike moaned, still ignoring Alice's efforts at pulling him out of the room. Alice gave up and leaned against the door jamb, wiping away imaginary beads of sweat from her forehead.

Edward shook his head in amusement. "You guys want to hang around while I kiss my girlfriend?"

Alice shrugged and Mike nodded. "Sure, we don't mind."

"I mind," Bella said, firmly pushing them out and shutting the door. "Alone at last!"

Edward smirked. "Why, what did you have in mind?"

She reached for him, grabbed his ass rather dramatically, and then proceeded to kiss him like her life depended on it. He wholeheartedly approved.


	15. Chapter 15

**15**. **Epilogue**

"…And that's the story of how I fell in love with your dad."

Bella smiled at the sleeping children, their cherubic faces peaceful and content. The twins were as close as they were competitive, and the house usually rang with sounds of two high spirited kids screaming, laughing, playing, or singing together… the rare blissful quiet of that moment was just as precious as the identical smiles of contentment that curved their lips in sleep.

Careful not to disturb them, she stood, paused to make sure neither of them stirred, then tip-toed out into the hallway, closing the door with almost exaggerated care. She waited another long moment, then relaxed with a long sigh, and turned… only to squeak loudly and jump about five feet in the air.

"Edward!" she hissed, holding out a hand while she made sure the room behind her remained quiet. Turning back to her grinning husband, she frowned. "What were you trying to do, give me a heart attack? Geez!"

Edward laughed softly, leading her away from the silent zone. Once they were safely inside their bedroom, he tugged her close for a kiss. Bella loved kissing Edward; in fact it was one of her favourite things to do. It got a bit difficult when he kept grinning, though.

"What?" she asked suspiciously.

"Is that how we fell in love, Bella?" he asked, eyes dancing with mirth.

She tipped her head to the side, lips quirking. "Well, they wanted the story, and I couldn't exactly tell them I gave you an almost-handjob the first time I met you!"

"Or that you waxed my ass," he supplied.

"Or anything to do with Houdicki… hey wait, are you making fun of me?" she narrowed her eyes at him suspiciously.

"Not at all, cupcake," he pecked her nose. "I'm actually impressed at how you managed to take our story and give it a spin Disney would be proud of. The only thing missing was a sparkly unicorn in a pink spangled tutu."

She looked at him blankly for a beat, before nodding slowly. "You're right. That would have been awesome! They are into sparkly things, unicorns are basically prancing rainbows, and everyone loves rainbows, right?"

"Especially our kids," he agreed, puffing up with pride at the thought of his son and daughter.

"Don't hold it against me if they want one as a pet, though," she warned. "They'll think you're a poor sort of animal doc if you can't get them all the cool ones to play with."

Edward scoffed. "They think I'm the coolest dad ever. I'm not going to let some silly sparkly unicorns get in the way of that."

"Really? What would you do? Hypothetically, of course," Bella asked, rubbing up and down his chest, popping a few buttons open. With a hum of appreciation, she leaned in to nip at his stubbly jaw.

Edward stroked her sides, fingers seeking out the skin beneath her soft t-shirt. "Dunno. Probably clip on some of those colorful hair extensions you have at the salon onto Scamper's tail." He pulled her even closer, kissing up the side of her neck.

"Oooh," Bella said, arching to give him better access. "Yes, that'd work. The kids would totally believe Scamp's a unicorn." She snorted a laugh, then moaned when he sucked on her lobe.

"We have the best dog," he agreed. "And the best kids."

"Gullible, too," she snickered, pushing off his shirt.

"Mother of the year, right here," he joked, smacking her ass. "Feeding them lies about our story, letting them believe the dog is a unicorn…"

"Hey, I'll have you know unicorns are pretty legit. National animal of Scotland. Bet you didn't know that," she muttered in between kisses scattered across his torso.

"You into mythical creatures too, love?" he asked, helping her out of her t-shirt. He fondled her bare breasts, dropping appreciative kisses at the tips. That shut them both up for a bit, their bodies tuning into the unspoken language of desire. The frenzy heightened once their clothes were out of the way, and they could freely touch and caress their favourite parts of each other. The need built up, till they were fairly trembling with the intensity of it.

Edward smoothed his hands over her face and dropped a sweet kiss on her forehead before sweeping her up in his arms and laying her on the bed. It was as he was poised to enter her that he suddenly paused, quirked an eyebrow and asked, "Say our story was a fairytale…"

"It is, it is the best fairytale and you better not leave me hanging here," she gasped, wriggling and arching to get him closer.

He kissed her swift and deep, moving his hips so his cock stroked right over her clit.

"Edward!" she whined, equal parts frustrated and turned on by his teasing.

"So in this fairytale of ours," he continued, swiveling his hips just so, "Was I your knight? Did I slay all the dragons?"

She laughed, taking a moment to appreciate the sight of him hovering over her, the flexed muscles of his biceps, the way his skin felt moving against hers… "Sure, you defeated dicks everywhere to win my hand!"

"Or pussy," he interjected.

Bella rolled her eyes. "Just when it was getting romantic..."

"I'll show you romance," he muttered, finally sinking into her welcoming heat. He pulled out and angled it in just so... "So, whats our story called anyway? Does it have a name? A title?"

"TMD," she whispered, closing her eyes in pleasure.

He cocked his head to the side, watching closely as the movement of his hips built up a wave of pleasure deep inside her. Her rapidly spreading flush, the tautness of her nipples, the way her hips undulated… he loved watching her stripped down to nothing but need and want. "TMD?" he panted, "What's that? 'The Mating Dance'? Oh, I know… 'This Man's Divine'."

Bella gave a half laugh, which turned to a moan as he tugged on her nipples with his teeth. "Nope, but all good guesses."

He kissed her. "Ok, how about 'The Magical Doc'. Or 'The Most Doable'."

She winked at him. "You got a word or two right, there."

He kissed and sucked on her neck, never slowing his thrusts. "The… Monkey Dong?" he whispered into her ear, making her squirm and laugh even harder. They both gasped at the way her muscles contracted around him.

"Well, you got one word correct already."

"The?" he asked.

She nodded. "And let's say you were really close with another word," she reached down to where his cock was moving in and out of her, making him gasp as she stroked the base.

A dawning understanding lit up his face. "The Magic Dick? That's it, isn't it?"

She grinned up at him. "Well, before you came along, it was just a case of 'Too Many Douchebags', and you know how I thought I should be looking for a big dick, but that was just… 'Too Much Dick'. But with you… yeah, I definitely got the Magic Dick. It was the perfect one… the best fit, the best person, the best sex…"

He pecked her lips appreciatively. "Stop before my ego explodes. But I like the idea that I gave you a fairy tale... kind of like goldilocks, ya know? Mine was _just right._ " He winked, then paused and narrowed his eyes at her. "Hey is that why Alice calls me Magic?"

Bella smirked and tried really hard not to laugh. "Well yeah, it was more about the way your dick can just grow out of nowhere like magic… but anyway, your dick wasn't the most important reason we're together."

He pretended to be affronted, pouting and hiding his face in her cleavage, a most generous gift of motherhood.

"You dufus," she laughed. "Much as I love him, Houdicki really isn't the most important part of you… and despite all the awesome sex, it was hardly what drew me to you. Your heart, your compassion, they way I can be myself around you, the way you make me want to be the best version of myself… that's what made me get closer to you, that's what made me fall in love with you."

He tried to hide his blush, but failed. Most days he was a capable, rugged man who could wrestle spitting cats and rabid dogs into submission. Then there were sudden moments of vulnerability that brought back memories of the unsure man who had first walked into her salon all those years ago. She kissed him long and deep, stroking through his hair just the way they both liked it.

When they came up for air, he smirked at her. "That was very 'Taste My Desire'."

"Not the best title, you know," she countered. "Very blowjob-sy."

"That would be Tongue My Dick," he said thoughtfully, slowing his rhythm, much to her displeasure.

"Too Many Distractions," she complained, pushing him deeper with her legs wrapped around his waist.

"Talk Me Dirty," he winked salaciously, his thrusts punctuated by the squelching sounds of great sex.

"The Mad Doctor," she countered, nipping at his lips.

They lost all ability to form actual words soon after that, chasing the tantalizing peaks of physical pleasure till they both hurtled off the edge of reality. Grunts and gasps and moans overlaid the rustling of sheets, occasional thump of a falling pillow or creak of the bed frame. It was a while later that they floated back to earth, barely coherent but gripping each other close.

"I love you, Bella," Edward whispered softly, hugging her close and pecking her lips tenderly to punctuate the words. "Truly, Madly, Deeply."

 **A/N: That's all, folks! This has been a blast to write, especially since I had no idea I had it in me. Thanks to Maggie and Chrissie again, for inspiring me. Thanks to every one of you for reading it!**

 **Before I forget, the VPL line from ch 14 was inspired by a hilarious thread on a facebook page, where someone had posted a pic of this really hot guy, with ridiculously bunched pants. Nope, I'm not _that_ brilliant. **

**I'll be back in Jan with a new story. I had posted the first 4 chapters in the Babies at the Border compilation, and it's different from my usual, so let's see how that goes.**

 **Merry Christmas, happy holidays, and a very happy new year!**


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